#1
The voices go wild in a rush of wind;
unsung,
discerned
disowned.
A disturbance from imam;
a renunciation among strugglers
or fall asleep before the hour of
“for we must”. Because I do not hope
to stay without further movement.
A short hark and we go---

and this was my beginning.

A sacred month for a sacred month;
oh, let us not linger.
A fleeting sun was dropping;
shoulder to shoulder
we walk there after,
on the road to persecution.
The night was withering.
And I knew not what to do
with the bombs that hurt me
in dream and faith---

and laugh in faith’s fair face.

My fear is senescent
my will is bleeding (bleeding I tell you).
I wage the sword in agony
and I spoke-
“faith, you have brought me here”.
It was not so much a lie;
my senses were brought to understand
the inquisition of the hands, tongue
sword and soul.
#3
The voices go wild in a rush of wind;
unsung,
discerned
disowned.
A disturbance from imam;
a renunciation among strugglers
or fall asleep before the hour of
“for we must”. Because I do not hope
to stay without further movement.
A short hark and we go---
okay here I see a problematic with the opener. I know that the "voices" are "disowned", but starting right away with such a specific structure ("the") loses the reader right away. I can't seem to word this right, but anyway, you should start with stating clearly the voices' state. Like "errant voices [...]" or something like that, see? I think that would considerably strengthen your opening. As for that stanza in itself, I'm unsure about the voice. It seems vague. Like I am lacking information about the "I" you bring in, and since everything is said in such a neutral way (I'm talking about form, not content), I'm left wondering what's going on and having to head on in stanza two. The double negation doesn't help either (I do not hope to stay without...). When using a theme as complex as religion, I think you need to get your writer to follow your point straight from the start. Anyway, carrying on.

and this was my beginning.

A sacred month for a sacred month;
oh, let us not linger.
A fleeting sun was dropping;
shoulder to shoulder
we walk there after,
on the road to persecution.
The night was withering.
And I knew not what to do
with the bombs that hurt me
in dream and faith---
The writing here is pretty good in itself. I am having a hard time connecting everything together. I get the message here, but you lose the setting you had in stanza one. I know you tried to separate them with the one liner, but as a reader I still felt thrown here and there. The "let us not linger" line lacks definition for me, as I don't know which possible sense of "linger" you refer to here. Linger in what, for what, where? idk. I liked the closing idea a whole lot here. I thought "bombs" was a little obvious, maybe find a synonym just for polishings sake?

and laugh in faith’s fair face.

My fear is senescent
my will is bleeding (bleeding I tell you).
I wage the sword in agony
and I spoke-
“faith, you have brought me here”.
It was not so much a lie;
my senses were brought to understand
the inquisition of the hands, tongue
sword and soul.

here. here we have it. Clear statement, powerful voice. I thought "faith" was used one too many times, maybe eliminate one of the previous ones. I'd go without the one liner, in fact, since it doesn't bring anything that your closing stanza doesn't.


All in all, I think this lacks direction up to the last stanza. I would try and place connecting elements throughout the piece. the "voices" you first introduced to the reader are never heard of again, which symbolically makes sense, but imo, draws the reader in a dead end from the start. I personally had to come back and start over again in order to appreciate this.

Not a bad piece by any means, but needs some polishing. Tough subject to write about, I'll definitely give you props for that. Keep it up.