#1
my fingers stretch and
quiver with excitement
as I'm about to rip "January"
off my bedroom wall
aye,
an eye for an eye,
i think,
as january peeled off
every layer of onion skin
it could find on
my superfluous body
and then some more

it revealed, well,
marching thoughts, a
circular
parade

tomorrow marks
the beginning of
a new stratum
in abstract concept
planetarium
a tablecloth?
deprived and,
well, poor
in which I'm supposed to wake with
a sudden miracle recipe,
if I can chose I'd take
someone who can
take me naked as I am
and look at me truly
someone who can
slowly breathe me in
without the fear
of shedding a tear

my mind quivers
as my fingers rip
and tear january
calmly put it out
with used tissues in the trash,
i believe in finality
and simplicity,
yes, I slide between the sheets
with a figurative foot
in hopeful february
Last edited by circular.parade at Jan 31, 2009,
#2
I can't really find anything wrong with this Mat, this was very well executed and was a nice read all over. I'm fond of the personality that was portrayed; needless to say, It felt very you. If I was to complain about anything It would be lack of punctuation, it's more effective than use of line breaks. But that's about it. Good job.

PS: Could you please check out "The Good Terrorist", that would be much appreciated.
#5
this was fantastic, i really REALLY like the leg-over image you ended on and the taking january off the wall and off your body and your mind, was very well executed. The only thing i would say is that the "circular parade" image could be expanded upon, but not necessarily. Very nice work. Kudos.

Cheers
Ru.
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Quote by uk.mace
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#6
Quote by circular.parade
my fingers stretch and
quiver with excitement
I don't like the use of the "quiver" here.
as I'm about to rip "January"
off my bedroom wall
aye,
an eye for an eye,
i think,
as january peeled off
every layer of onion skin
it could find on
my superfluous body
and then some more

it revealed, well,
marching thoughts, a
circular
parade
The flow of this is a bit 'off', but I guess that's a personal thing. This is good stuff, though. Simplistic but very intuitive. They synch up very well, in this case.


tomorrow marks
the beginning of
a new stratum
in abstract concept
planetarium
a tablecloth?
deprived and,
well, poor
in which I'm supposed to wake with
a sudden miracle recipe,
if I can chose I'd take
someone who can
take me naked as I am
I don't like the repetition of "take". Also, "as I am" could of been put to the next line. Maybe it would of added something more and helped the flow pick up a bit?

and look at me truly
someone who can
slowly breathe me in
without the fear
of shedding a tear

my mind quivers
as my fingers rip
and tear january
calmly put it out
with used tissues in the trash,
i believe in finality
and simplicity,
yes, I slide between the sheets
with a figurative foot
in hopeful february
This was beautiful.


I loved it.
#7
I loved it to. But the only word I would change is 'trash'. I don't know why but it sounds cheesy. It might seem that to me because I'm British and usually don't say that word, but it might be a normal word for you. Different cultures make You understand more....
Quote by Dawginator
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