#1
rambling.
i only like the ending.
needs a line by line done on it.
c4c.

eager to begin:
foot down
speed up.
another car
pounces
from the fog
a cat,
roaring;
screaming
screeching
burning rubber
sickly smoke
lucid fire
black colour
white noise.


suddenly, harsh hands
beneath her arms
dragging her from the wreck
as she cried for her man
who lay still
beneath the wreaths
of twisted metal.
splattered diamond
glints on his finger.
reflecting the shattered
headlamps.
the moon hides away
as the sharp scene
stabs at the sky.



she could not stop thinking
why they left him there
and if he was there still
or if he was here next to her now.

she wondered if she was dead
or unconscious; comatose.
she imagined doctors
bustling
around a soft blue bed
with wires and machines
and her family
stood still
surrounding her
with flowers and cards,
tissues and prayers.

finally, her eyes flickered open
and she was blinded
by buzzing liquid lights
flowing all around
like a river
of senses.
she felt a touch
and was embraced
by her lover
once again


"i love you"
she murmured
her voice cracking
and muffled by his shoulder.
"i love you too"
strong;
as usual.
"i thought i was going to die."

"you did."
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 15, 2009,
#4
Honeymoon is a good title but you could use it more, she could call him honey, (you've already got a bit about the moon which is really nice but you could make it an extended metaphor)

pounces was the right image but you could maybe play more on the idea of the car being a predator.

"she wondered if she was dead
or unconcsious, or in a coma
she imagined doctors
busting
around her soft blue bed
as they hooked her up to machines
to keep her alive"

didn't like this so much, i found it too dictative, just telling us what she's feeling rather than allowing us to feel it ourselves.

But all in all much improved, and it's very nice to see advice being taken so well, i'm flattered.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#5
the only part i didn't enjoy was the first stanza. everything else was gold, good ending as well
#6
loved the ending. you should maybe write a bit more about what she's' feeling as opposed to what she's seeing.
#8
It was a good piece and read. THough by the end of the first stanza I had a gut feeling it wasnt gonna be a lovey dovey honeymoon. Still the rest of it had good images and emotion while still maintaing a little taste of wonder. good stuff, not your best, but enjoyable. Didn't find any real mistakes, you always seem to have that covered quite well.
#9
The first verse feels pointless. As a song, I can see it's relevance, but not in poetry form. Don't clutter a piece with a hard attempt to sound a certain way. Just let the story pick the words, instead.

- "she wondered if she was dead
or unconcsious, or in a coma;"

- Too many "or's"
Less is more. One of the best tips I feel I've ever taught myself. I still don't feel I compress things enough, not to the degree that it makes a large impact on the piece, anyway.

- "with flowers and cards and tissues
and prayers."

- Again, this could be re-worded.

I like the way you briefly discuss whether there is life after death. You leave it quite open - maybe a little too open? - but I do feel like that that wasn't quite your intent. I think you relied too heavily on the ending's cuteness and striking poignancy. It's almost too sharp and feels a little too heavy and burdensome. There's no subtlety to it and it doesn't quite feel right.
That said, it was a crackin' ending and a good read overall!
#10
Dan, Dan,
you magical man.


You never fail to show me the miscakes that I feel, but cannot see.

mmm.

i have a certain desire to scrap everything but the ending, and re-write it in a new way.

this is shit really.


either way, editted.


completely agree that the ending is too heavy.

but at least i tried, right?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 2, 2009,
#11
I think this was very good, especially the ending.
It is a very good poem, but would sound better in a song, maybe record it and message me when it's done?
Quote by Dawginator
We don't have spelling bees in England, instead if we get a word wrong, we get stabbed by the teacher. Then they nick our phone, film us, and put it on youtube.

Quote by ZaccB

(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)
#12
how about you write music, and a melody, and if oyu can get it to work without sounding like a fag, you message me.
#13
Quote by ginjaninja
how about you write music, and a melody, and if oyu can get it to work without sounding like a fag, you message me.



You're on if i can have it
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#14
gladly.

although, credit me. without using the words "sam", "ginjaninja", or anything related to s+l or UG itself.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 2, 2009,
#15
i'll be changing the lyrics a bit
what do you want to be called
(not that it'll matter I aint signed or anything)

Thanks though, i'll try my best to do you credit
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#16
Quote by ginjaninja
how about you write music, and a melody, and if oyu can get it to work without sounding like a fag, you message me.


I am currently working on it now, maybe we could all help with it, the different styles would make it interesting

Also could anyone crit mine
it's called untitled W.I.P
Quote by Dawginator
We don't have spelling bees in England, instead if we get a word wrong, we get stabbed by the teacher. Then they nick our phone, film us, and put it on youtube.

Quote by ZaccB

(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)
Last edited by timeizprecious at Feb 2, 2009,
#17
good plan
where are you from?
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#19
Quote by ginjaninja
rambling.
i only like the ending.
needs a line by line done on it.
c4c.

eager to begin:
foot down
speed up.
another car
pounces
from the fog I don't like how this goes fom two word lines to all these mixed syllables. It really throws me out. The flow is just all over the place[
a cat,
roaring;
screaming
screeching
burning rubber
sickly smoke
lucid fire
black colour
white noise. See, this is better, you've got the syllables going again. I don't like how the punctuation floats in and out though. Again, makes it difficult to read.


suddenly, harsh hands
beneath her arms
dragging her from the wreck
as she cried for her man
who lay still
beneath the wreaths
of twisted metal. Didn't like a single word of this, just really weak writing and again the flow is all over the place.
splattered diamond
glints on his finger. hmmm, a bit better image wise, but really, how many times has blood been described as diamonds?
reflecting the shattered
headlamps. The punctuation is terrible in this
the moon hides away
as the sharp scene
stabs at the sky. Didn't like these three lines at all. THis whole stanza was really a let down after the beginning



she could not stop thinking
why they left him there
and if he was there still
or if he was here next to her now. You've got a vibe here, but its worded really badly and hard to read

she wondered if she was dead
or unconscious; comatose.
she imagined doctors
bustling
around a soft blue bed
with wires and machines
and her family
stood still
surrounding her
with flowers and cards,
tissues and prayers. Too much. I think what's letting this piece down is you're just being to specific. It's to dictive, you're telling us instead of showing us.

finally, her eyes flickered open
and she was blinded
by buzzing liquid lights
flowing all around
like a river
of senses.
she felt a touch
and was embraced
by her lover
once again Punctuation or something in here to help this. Bit better. Don't like "river of senses". Still, you're full stops are really bad and in the wrong places.


"i love you"
she murmured
her voice cracking
and muffled by his shoulder.
"i love you too"
strong;
as usual.
"i thought i was going to die."

"you did."


I think the end really is the best part here, but it can't change how bad the rest of it is. I tried to be as harsh and helpful as I could, don't take anything personally. I know you can do a ****load better than this. Can you check out mine if you haven't? click "something" in my sig.