#1
an apple cider smirk while,
running around the orchard
teasing, calling me a jerk.

brushing back her bangs
lennon sang...

"nobody told me there would be days like these"


so many sour smiles shared,
and in my soul i know...

we'd make a perfect pair.
#2
A Little short, isn't it? It's not what I'd write but it's sure as hell's better than most lyrics I've seen on here!
Gear;
- B.C. Rich Warbeast Bloodbound
- B.C. Rich NT Zombie 5-String Bass
- BOSS GT-10 Multi Effects TANK!
...In other words, I'm taking a giant dump on fender owners who use pods.
#4
an apple cider smirk while,
i think the comma should be before the 'while'.

really.


i love this, its intelligence is charming hidden behind the cute words, and the flow is liquid.

c4c, nine in sig.

sorry i didnt say much, but thats only because this was so nice.
#5
great flow in this peice. i think you might be able to add another verse or chorus or a little something, it seemed kinda short. but if it is a song, i could be mostly and instrumental peice, the lyrics are strong enough that it could work if the music wasn't boring
#6
short and sweet, i'm not sure if i like the elipses and the last line break though.
#7
The only thing i didn't like was the ellipses, and i agree with sam, the comma should be before "with". Other than that, this was really intelligently written. You've created a beautiful scene with charming characters.
#8
This was nice. There is very little to say otherwise, I'm afraid.
I don't think I personally disliked the ellipses, it complimented the feel, if you ask me. But the disconnection could of been... well less disconnected.