#1
December 23, 2008

Amy Solas snuck out around 1:15 AM, and found Damon waiting down the block, in his red Honda Civic, headlights off. They knew this would give them a few hours before her father found out.

The snow fell heavily; visibility was low, as they drove towards the county line. She stared at her map and compass, hardly understanding the symbols on either.

They pulled off the road near Willow's Park, and tried to make sense of the map in the starlight. Failing, he flung himself to the ground, and began flapping his arms. After a few seconds, shivering, he stood up, glanced at his snow angel, and frowned. He glanced at her and said, "This doesn't look anything like you." She smiled, and they kissed.

Whether he could no longer withstand the cold weather or the heat between them, he guided her to the backseat of his car. He poured several celebratory shots of whiskey, which they split evenly, and they drifted together, fogging up every window in the car.

Around 3:30 AM, they each took one last shot, and again began driving down the road, a little above the speed limit, trying to make up for lost time. The snow was falling heavier, and the faster they went, the less they could see. Every tree ran together; every snowflake looked exactly the same.

At about 3:45 AM, a mile from the county line, a deer ran across the road, and he slammed on his brakes to no avail. The car skidded off the one lane road into a dying evergreen. She flew out the window, and spilled her drink all over the snow.

I found them there the next morning, as shards of daylight began melting the snow. He laid there next to her, still but shivering, his hand sewn to hers with the needle of his compass.

I pulled out my pistol, and shot him through the temple.

The evidence and reports regarding this investigation have been submitted to the District Attorney's office.

CASE #: 2008-00143
PREPARED BY: Deputy Timothy Solas
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Feb 2, 2009,
#2
This was quite clever and I could see the point in this.
I don't have anything bad to say about his piece so, good work keep it
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#3
absolutely fantastic. it is compeltely biploar in the ways it moves me, which just makes everything better, hitting two peaks of emotion extremes in a matter of sentences.
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#4
"around 1:15 AM"
i think this is silly. its ugly to read. the whole sentance is ugly to read.
do a rewind and go flip around some syntaxes and make it prettier.
this goes for the second time you time again.
but not the third.

"heavily; visibility"
didn't like the assonance here, it sounded out of place, accidental.

"low, as"
comma not needed

"and he slammed on his brakes to no avail."
Here, you need the suspense to come just before "no avail". for hopefully obvious reasons.

"still but shivering,"
i get what youre saying, but it needs to be reworded, as confusion comes easily.

"2008-00143"
i dont like seeing the year 2008 here. it degrades the process of thingything of authority.

"Timothy Solas"
i would like the name to have a constant ethnicity.


this was nice.
it had a colour.

c4c, whatever the name is, nine in sig.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 2, 2009,
#5
Brilliant, very nicely done,
i have but one criticism,
the line "and spilled her drink all over the snow"
i don't think this really fits,
i think either, take the 'and' out and make it
"spilling her drink on the snow"
or make it a bit more imaginative
Eg.
"... and got a whiskey on the rocks"
or
"casting her drink to the snow"

Appart from that though i absolutely loved it.
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That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!