#1
This is a song I wrote a few months ago, trying to capture aggressive-depressive. I personally don't really like this, because I think the alot of it, especially the talking-horror part towards the end just seemed to forced. Anyways, tell me what you think.

Bold=screaming
Italic=talking
Regular=singing
[Verse 1]
I decided yesterday,
that if things don't go my way.
I will choose my last breath;
Put an end to my footsteps.

And everything just went so wrong!
Just like I knew, all along!
I'm so ****ing, sick of this.
They just laugh, as I writhe and twist.


[Chorus]
So I'm just gonna put this to an end,
so everyone can just pretend!
That they miss me so bad,
lying about what I could have had!

[Verse 2]

Take a stroll through my last day,
wish I could give something away.
But there's no one to give it to,
but I guess this isn't new!

It all just seems so distant!
When; will they listen!
I have nothing left,

but to wait for my last breath.

[Chorus]
So I'm just gonna put this to an end,
so everyone can just pretend!
That they miss me so bad,
lying about what I could have had!

[Verse 3]
I'm so sick of this.
I'm done.
What's the point.
Just gonna drain myself.
My blood.
All of it.
All five ****ing liter.
All of it.
I'll go further than I ever have before....
til' I don't feel no more....


I'll just go til I feel
NOTHING!
All I am is
NOTHING!
Go til I feel
NOTHING!
All I am is
NOTHING!

NOTHING!

I'M DONE!
Last edited by herby190 at Feb 3, 2009,
#3
Nice,I felt angry just reading it.
"This is Sierra-259, you got Spartans on the ground, sir. We're not going anywhere."

Fender Partscaster

Vox AC4TV

Korg Pitchblack Tuner
TC Electronics Nova Repeater
Electro Harmonix Big Muff Pi
MXR Micro Amp
EH Holy Grail Reverb
#4
[Verse 3]
I'm so sick of this.
I'm done.
What's the ****ing point/
Just gonna ****ing drain myself.
My blood.
All of it.
All five ****ing liter.
All of it.
I'll go further than I ever have before....
til' I don't feel no more....


I would say just take out the ****ings. They seem in my mind to slow down things and don't really work that well in the song. so it would be...

I'm so sick of this.
I'm done.
What's the point
Just gonna drain myself.
My blood.
All of it.
All five liters.
All of it.
I'll go further than I ever have before....
til' I don't feel no more....
#5
I advise to cut down on the cursing some. Not sure on how new you are to song writing and stuff, but I find that when people first sit down to write an angry song they tend to put a lot of curses in there (hey I did it). I think that's because they thinks it strengths the anger in the song. imo it does the opposite, it's ok in moderation, but if you overdo it (especially on a lot of songs) it devalues the words-the user wont think that it has any significance as compared to the other lines throughout the song, whereas the goal (I'm guessing here) is to stress that particular line. Other than that, not a bad attempt at capturing what you were going for. With some practice, you'll get it down in no time. I've been writing lyrics/songs since 2001, and I still find areas that I need to work on, and I still have a bunch of stuff I want to work on.

But like I said, overall not too shabby.
#6
Okay, thanks for the feedback everybody. I took out some of the swearing, but I left a little bit in where I thought it works. If you don't like it, tell me.
#7
So, do you think I should take out the talking part all together, or just keep it with reduced swearing?
#8
I really liked this song, other than reasons as mentioned above.
The only thing that really stuck out to me was the talking part.
I don't think it fit with the song much.
It's supposed to be angry/depressive or whatever, but you'll be talking all calm-like?
If you keep the part, maybe change it to screaming.

Another alternative is come up with a different part to take place of the talking.
Maybe even have it being sung with screaming in the background.
That's my two cents.
#9
Thanks for your help, I'll see if I can get around to critting one of yours later, but I can't be on for very long right now.
#10
Seems kinda emo and just kinda floating into the typical kinda metalcore stuffs that's out and about lately (as I'm assuming it is...), but it's pretty good.

The talking part was kinda wierd and outta the blue, but It all depends on YOUR tastes seeing as you are the writer. I say it could make a good song to fill a spot on an album or something or just to stick up on a band profile somewhere to get some good first impressions outta people.

Keep writin' :P
#11
Cool, thanks. It will probably never be record though; my band is punk/post-grunge, and we never really get anything done; I'm probably dropping them as soon as I can find another band.
#12
[quote="'Vicious [S7VN"]']I really liked this song, other than reasons as mentioned above.
The only thing that really stuck out to me was the talking part.
I don't think it fit with the song much.
It's supposed to be angry/depressive or whatever, but you'll be talking all calm-like?
If you keep the part, maybe change it to screaming.

Another alternative is come up with a different part to take place of the talking.
Maybe even have it being sung with screaming in the background.
That's my two cents.
I've been trying to figure out how to explain the voice I ment it would be talked in, but the best I can think of is to say it would be "stressed", as in it sounds like it's holding back anger; not a snarl or anything, but not happy.