#1
c4c



Tonight I laid down in the mud and
run off water from a melted storm;
I laid down with no agenda and without a
single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;
watched the moon gyrate around us.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
of spacetime floating above me.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind itself of its omnipotence.

And
I cried.

For the first time in;
ever.
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realized life isn't fair and
he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching his lifelong partner and best friend
fade to a depth he couldn't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me.

Just then,
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means;
but calm swept over me
and I felt alright with
the world.
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


God; it was beautiful.
Tonight I laid down in the mud and
run off water from a melted storm;
I laid down with no agenda and without a
single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;
watched the moon gyrate around us.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
of spacetime floating above me.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind himself of his omnipotence.

And I
cried.
I really liked all of this up until here. I have absolutely nothing to say.

For the first time in;
ever.
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realizes life isn't fair
and he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching a lifelong partner and best friend
fade to a depth he can't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me.
I think there was a bit of confusion going on here, at least for me. The tenses didn't always line up and I thought you could have made it more clear, because the "he" and "I" are getting too confusing in such proximity. Also, there could be more done to make it clearer, like "a lifelong partner" could be made "his life long parter", so make it easier on the readers and not having them need to piece it all together slowly to get the picture. I think it will also tie up nicely with the beginning of the stanza. I liked the idea though, it was just a little clumsy.

And just as I realized how small I was,
how insignificant I am,
and how pointless my existence will be;
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means,
but calm swept over me
and I felt alright with
the world.
Well the first three lines here are extremely cliché and though I know this is the whole point, it was a bit too obvious and just a little too generic. I think you could have maintained the idea and preformed it in a more original way. The ending was less cliché but still very expected. I just thought this ending stood in contrast to the rest of the piece which I found quite refreshing from you and that was very well written.



I thought the ending was a bit of a let down, it was just so expected and cliché... yeah alright, I don't need to repeat it again, but I really thought you could have taken this in a more unexpected route. Mostly I find your writing very cerebral and calculated, but I thought this was actually quite full of emotion and undercurrents. I just thought you could have taken the last stanza to the next level. I'll probably talk to you more about this later.

I really enjoyed it though, in case that didn't come across.
This is not a pipe
#5
Change the first three lines of the ending as you wish. Change the tense when the guy's watching his partner die.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
God; it was beautiful.
This was made redundant by the way you worded the next line. I think you should make it more explicit that you are saying why it was beautiful, instead of just saying it was beautiful then appearing to skew off down a different tangent.
Tonight I laid down in the mud and
Seeing "tonight" used in the past tense was weird
run off water from a melted storm;
I laid down with no agenda and without a
single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;
watched the moon gyrate around us.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
of spacetime floating above me.
spacespacespacespacespacespace.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind himself of his omnipotence.
Back the fuck up. suddenly, he? way too little detail on this "he" character. omnipotence, and the large theme makes me think of God, but He needs a capital to show that. right?

And I
cried.

For the first time in;
ever. (Are you sure this should be a full stop?)
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
the assonance here is worthy of a tongue twister.
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realizes life isn't fair and
he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching his life long partner and best friend
this was a little long
fade to a depth he can't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me.
I dislike this change in tone with that expression; its ugly.

And just as I realized how small I was,
how insignificant I am,
and how pointless my existence will be;
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means,
but calm swept over me
and I felt alright with
the world.
Cliche!

ha!


i like how genuine this is, it really has a mood.


bleh, i tried.
#8
This is sweet. It surprised me a lot coming from you (I don't mean that in offense, it's just different). There are a few little discrepancies but it didn't detract from what you were trying to say, I think. Lovely, genuine. =]


edit: oh, one thing that bugged me was the first line. You don't really need that. The way you wrote already showed how you felt about it.
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#9
I usually hate your poetry. This was, however, one of the more beautiful things I've read on here.

But:

Please delete or change the last stanza. It was mediocre at best, and ruined the mood for me.
#10
I would give this a full critique, but Carmel and Sam already said almost everything I wanted to say.

And I
cried.

I thought this should be

And
I cried.
(Just felt more natural, although still awkward)
But whatever. Very different than the last few things you wrote, I liked it.
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c



Tonight I laid down in the mud and
run off water from a melted storm;
I don't like the way in which you worded this. "run off water" - on the line after the beggining - is bringing too much attention to a phrase that doesn't really need any attention. It has disturbed flow and isn't the most coolest or interesting of images.

I laid down with no agenda and without a
I don't know whether I like the repetition of "laid", here.

single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;
watched the moon gyrate around us.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
It felt like a fullstop was required after "peaceful". It felt the sentence needed to be ended.
of spacetime floating above me.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind itself of its omnipotence.
Good stuff.


And
I cried.
I think the line break after "And" brings too much attraction to the schematics of the poem and not what you are feeling. It's clear what you are trying to do, but I feel it became lost, and missed out on a lot of it's grit because of the obvious attempts to come as across as being complex when really, there's nothing to show off about.

For the first time in;
ever.
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realized life isn't fair and
he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching his lifelong partner and best friend
fade to a depth he couldn't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me.
I really don't know what to think of this. It borders on unreality, when it's aiming for something else; something more touching and earthly. I can see what is going on, and it's a hard goal to reach, and I'm not entirely sure whether it worked out or not.
The piece really takes on an odd turn - particularly for you, as a writer.
The change is certainly interesting, and evokes more than enough questions for my tired mind to fathom right now, but, as I say, it's tiring for the reader; on the mind, ears and the eyes.
It's not that it felt forced, or even too fluid or on-the-spot, just that it read like it was a burden. Too much of a load for my old back.


Just then,
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means;
but calm swept over me
"swept" felt pretentious. I reckon this needs to be simple, not with fancy, poetic words. Just plain and simple, telling the fuck out of the reader, "I feel okay". And I know that's not all that you are saying - there is more to this. But I'd like this to be more cutting, almost. More brash and simplistic. Stay away from the fleeting and mirage-like writing, and just tell as it is. Cause it's a surprise feeling, there's no time for poetical nonsense. The world is beggining, get on the bandwagon.

and I felt alright with
the world.


Good stuff, just very weird.
#12
has it struck anyone else that the first stanza reads off like some sci-fi/fantasy epic novel?

It struck me :P.
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NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c



Tonight I laid down in the mud and
run off water from a melted storm;
I laid down with no agenda and without a
single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;

Laid feels a little repetitive...other than that, this is great so far...

watched the moon gyrate around us.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
of spacetime floating above me.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind itself of its omnipotence.

And
I cried.

I like the flow and line breaks that you've placed here....Goldy may be right about And; I cried part...But I believe that you should break it again emphasizing the pause between and; I cried.....Since 'I cried' would be by its 'lonesome'....anyway it's still all good

For the first time in;
ever.
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realized life isn't fair and
he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching his lifelong partner and best friend
fade to a depth he couldn't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me.

I see how the last couple verses and this come together, sharing their meanings....I had to read it a couple times to find the right flow and feeling....It's a bit faster flow here (to me)...

Just then,
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means;
but calm swept over me
and I felt alright with
the world.

In all honesty, it feels like you just tried to end it quickly...I'm not for sure if you ran out of ideas at the moment, but I feel that this part could be pushed down further by about another stanza or so....the sudden change of mood didn't work out too well...



Overall, it was actually pretty good...a couple rough parts but nothing to really complain about...8/10
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c



Tonight I laid down in the mud and
run off water from a melted storm;
I laid down with no agenda and without a
single logical reason for my actions.
Stared up into space;
watched the moon gyrate around us. This was amazing up until this line. For some reason, i stumble on this line. Something throws me, and i think it's the "us". Either that, or the fact that you're talking about "Tonight" in the past tense.
Saw the stars weaving amongst each other
and for a while;
it was so peaceful I could see the very fabric
of spacetime floating above me.
Vibrating slowly; with just enough effort
to remind itself of its omnipotence. I think this hwole last part could be said better in less lines, it dragged a little for me.

And
I cried. This is fine, though I feel it would do better joined onto the next stanza.

For the first time in; I don't like the semi-colon here, especially at the end of a line like that.
ever.
I cried like a little boy,
watching his first crush kiss his
best friend.
I cried like a young man,
on the day he realized life isn't fair and
he's going to spend it in a wheelchair.
I cried like an old man,
watching his lifelong partner and best friend
fade to a depth he couldn't save her from.
The tears were so warm and genuine...
they surprised the hell out of me. I love how you create this poerful image, and the seal the deal by investing yourself into it with this last line. The best stanza so far.

Just then,
a star winked at me.
I don't know what that means;
but calm swept over me
and I felt alright with
the world.
Very solid ending, though I think maybe the last three lines could be done in one.
"I don't know what that means;
but for once, everything was right." or something. Just to give it that extra punch.


Tried to tear this apart as well as I could. This was fantastic Zach, because for once, t was you but it had EMOTIONS. Oh God! That's what made this so powerful. It was more than just empty images, it was a personl story, but connectable, with just enough of you in it to make it really enjoyable. I really enjoyed this, Zach, think this is one of my faves from you.
#15
zan
is this probably one of the best i've read from you

i had such a deep connection all through the song
the words were placed exactly were they make the most impact..simply amazing
it had me to where i couldn't read it fast enough
it built up so much hype
to just kinda fall through at the end

the ending wasn't bad
but the words weren't perfectly place like they were at the beginning
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#16
Zach, this is nice enough. but that's all it is. just nice.

i don't hear the voice. that zach voice that always makes me sit up and take notice. I'm not exactly sure what's missing here. it sounds more analytical than allowing me to feel it. i can't help you with the similes. i suck at them. you did better than i could, but they still don't "pop". and phrases like this: "it was so peaceful I could ..." just don't sell it.

i dunno. it just seems heavy on description and light on immersion. that's how you really grab me when your **** is working. total immersion. i feel it. the concepts are good. if there's improvement in this, my guess would be to let loose just a little. don't try to do, so much as to live it, yeah?


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#17
"And I cried" to "Hell out of me" was really, really, really good.