#1
Descent of a Goddess

A goddess
Upon ethereal lakes

She glides as an angel;
One with the numbing breeze.

Yet she looks up to us from above-
The eons have wearied her.

Royal red fades to tainted ginger,
Her descent heralded by no heavenly chorus
For she drifts in exile
Fleeing from shadeless gray.

The light burns me;
Too bright for mortal eyes
I am averted, perverted
By beauty.

Glancing up once more, I see a new meaning.
Everything is complete, correct.
As it should be; drifting in pools
Of weightless starlight.

I am ensnared.


Crit for crit on this, leave me a link and I'll get back to you ASAP. Hope this isn't too painful on the reading... Oh, and this is a poem, not lyrics, so rhyme and rhythm may not be as strong as they would be if this were lyrics.
#2
Quote by MopMaster
Descent of a Goddess

A goddess
Upon ethereal lakes

a good start.it conveys a good image and entices the reader to read on


She glides as an angel;
One with the numbing breeze.

again nice imagery although the flow could be better


Yet she looks up to us from above-
The eons have wearied her.

i like the antithesis in this stanxa although the continuation of the two line stanza scheme starts to give the poem a very disjointed feel

Royal red fades to tainted ginger,
Her descent heralded by no heavenly chorus
For she drifts in exile
Fleeing from shadeless gray.

i like progession from vibrant colour :-'royal red' to dull blandness :-'shadeless gray'.'tainted ginger' doesnt sit well with me however.maybe rusted ginger or ginger rust would be better.a big improvement in the flow in this stanza

The light burns me;
Too bright for mortal eyes
I am averted, perverted
By beauty.

my favourite stanza here.nothing to crit

Glancing up once more, I see a new meaning.
Everything is complete, correct.
As it should be; drifting in pools
Of weightless starlight.

great imagery and language.

I am ensnared.

love this last bit.i like the way u seperated it from the rest of the piece to pack more of a punch



a great piece overall
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#4
Descent of a Goddess

(Nice start, enigmatic and enticing, but from reading it i see she isn't actually a godess but an angel? should maybe change that)

A goddess
Upon ethereal lakes

(oh, maybe i'm wrong...? hmmm. Yeah ethereal is such a cool word, but the idea of her being on 'ethereal lakes seems a bit contrived, like it's just in there to sound flashy, could maybe try a different setting)

She glides as an angel;
One with the numbing breeze.

(hmmm, but now she's like an angel... i would try to keep the godess thing a bit more defined, 'cause right now it seems a bit confused, a godess would far surpass an angel yet here you are using a comparison to show how graceful she is as if she was an angel, so there's a bit of a contradiction. Also although the 'numbing breeze' bit sounds very good, it also doesn't seem too mean very much, but you are setting up the character quite well, i think it could be more precise)

Yet she looks up to us from above-
The eons have wearied her.

(i really like this idea, a good two lines )

Royal red fades to tainted ginger,
Her descent heralded by no heavenly chorus
For she drifts in exile
Fleeing from shadeless gray.

(this is quite nice but i think the 2nd and 3rd lines should be the other way 'round, eg
"she drifts in exile
Her descent haralded by no heavenly chorus"
that seems to work better)

The light burns me;
Too bright for mortal eyes
I am averted, perverted
By beauty.

(the 'mortal' idea is very cliched, i think you should try to find something different for that, maybe 'inoccent eyes' or 'young eyes')

Glancing up once more, I see a new meaning.
Everything is complete, correct.
As it should be; drifting in pools
Of weightless starlight.

(i like this 'weightless starlight' is a nice bit)

I am ensnared.

(a nice ending)

All in all i thought this was pretty good but could be much better just with some tweaking, maybe get rid of the contradictions and try to make a few of the lines a bit more meaningful. But a nice idea, kudos.

Mine's called 'Be my Something Special (You Will Never)'
if you want to check it out,
'fraid i can't do links yet.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

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That's brilliant!


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#5
Quote by MopMaster
Descent of a Goddess

A goddess
Upon ethereal lakes

She glides as an angel;
One with the numbing breeze.
I really liked this intro right up until "numbing". There are so many synonyms that would preserve the delicate lingual style you've set up.
Yet she looks up to us from above-
The eons have wearied her.
The contradiction in the first line was interesting and made me think.
Royal red fades to tainted ginger,
Her descent heralded by no heavenly chorus
For she drifts in exile
Fleeing from shadeless gray.
You started out with colors, forgot about it for two lines, and then brought it back. Either keep it consistent or get rid of the "grey" in the last line.
The light burns me;
Too bright for mortal eyes
I am averted, perverted
By beauty.

Glancing up once more, I see a new meaning.
Everything is complete, correct.
As it should be; drifting in pools
Of weightless starlight.
The first line seemed a little too literal. The first half of the third line and the second line were redundant. The last line was nice. I <3 language themes.
I am ensnared.

The ending refers back to the second-to-last stanza, which makes the last full stanza seem like a detour. This would flow nicely if you linked the last stanza back to the "ensnared" idea.


Overall, it seems to me like you have a great potential for language, but you only exercise it at points here. You occasionally lose your focus as well. But apart from all that, this was a luscious piece.
Mmm.