#1
This is different. C4C (leave link)


Andrew and Angela are laid on his bed. It’s half past eleven in the night, and they are addicted on each other to kill the boredom that composes the air.

You’re not here…

No reaction whatsoever in his face. There was no mumble; no sound; nothing that made him being in the place he was.

Andre?
What?
Where were you?
In my mind.
Here?

She touched him on the left side of his brain. He didn’t feel a thing.

Somewhere in between.
Are you lost?
Completely,
Where?
In you.
Why?
Because you’re not here.
Yes I am.
In my mind.
…In your mind.

“A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance.”

Are you still looking for me?
For three months… Are you here?
Only if you want to…
You are.
Look into my eyes, babe.
I’m afraid.
Of what?
I’m afraid that you might vanish.
Don’t be silly! It’s up to you.
It’s up to me to be the mediator between my head and my hands.
Don’t quote things, you silly!
I’m sorry; I was never good with words.
You are…
But you don’t like them.
True… Do you think we stopped the clock?
Au the contraire. It’s rushing to midnight.
Do you want me to go?
Do as you wish… You were never here in the first place.
Do you want a kiss goodnight?
You can’t.
Why?
Because you never gave.
Because you’re a coward! All you do is being a ghost in the scene; biding time to take the initiative you’ll never take; imagining things that will never happen if you stand there, acting as a fucking martyr! If you grow some big, strong balls and say things out loud, instead of keeping them in a fucking monitor or in a paper sheet, maybe people would see you as the person you’re afraid to show.
I’m just insecure… I lack self-esteem.
Oh, and is that something new? Go back to the past you lied to me about and search for the things you never had.
You’re being harsh…
I’m being bitterly honest with you. Can’t you see I cannot love who you’re not?
Can I be bitterly honest with you?
What?
I love you.

And so, she vanished to where she never left.
#2
Quote by seventh_angel
This is different. C4C (leave link)


Andrew and Angela are laid on his bed. It’s half past eleven in the night, and they are addicted on each other to kill the boredom that composes the air.

good start...the only thing that gets me and I had to reread is 'are laid'? ...'are laying' would be grammatically correct I would think, other than that, so far so good...

You’re not here…

No reaction whatsoever in his face. There was no mumble; no sound; nothing that made him being in the place he was.

I'm trying to comprehend 'you're not here' while they're talking to each other...weeeird...

Andre?
What?
Where were you?
In my mind.
Here?

OOOOH, starting to get it now....

She touched him on the left side of his brain. He didn’t feel a thing.

now I'm trying to imagine what these people are supposed to be like ghosts or something?

Somewhere in between.
Are you lost?
Completely,
Where?
In you.
Why?
Because you’re not here.
Yes I am.
In my mind.
…In your mind.

Again, weird...I'm piecing this together and I think I got it, but not for sure, I wanna kill you because your making me think

“A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance.”

Are you still looking for me?
For three months… Are you here?
Only if you want to…
You are.
Look into my eyes, babe.
I’m afraid.
Of what?
I’m afraid that you might vanish.
Don’t be silly! It’s up to you.
It’s up to me to be the mediator between my head and my hands.
Don’t quote things, you silly!
I’m sorry; I was never good with words.
You are…
But you don’t like them.
True… Do you think we stopped the clock?
Au the contraire. It’s rushing to midnight.
Do you want me to go?
Do as you wish… You were never here in the first place.
Do you want a kiss goodnight?
You can’t.
Why?
Because you never gave.

Lemme take a wild guess, they're visualizing/communicating with each other through their minds....So far so good...

Because you’re a coward! All you do is being a ghost in the scene; biding time to take the initiative you’ll never take; imagining things that will never happen if you stand there, acting as a fucking martyr! If you grow some big, strong balls and say things out loud, instead of keeping them in a fucking monitor or in a paper sheet, maybe people would see you as the person you’re afraid to show.
I’m just insecure… I lack self-esteem.
Oh, and is that something new? Go back to the past you lied to me about and search for the things you never had.
You’re being harsh…
I’m being bitterly honest with you. Can’t you see I cannot love who you’re not?
Can I be bitterly honest with you?
What?
I love you.

hmmm...sense some anger in the first part...on '...paper sheet', I think it would sound better as '...sheet of paper'

And so, she vanished to where she never left.

awe, this is sad


Great emphasis of emotion and good story line...Confusing at first and took me a second to realize how it was happening and I was having trouble visualizing cause the image was still distorted until the middle of this piece, which actually made it work enticing the reader to keep reading and figure out what the hell is going on....Good job...9.8/10
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#3
this is thought-provoking stuff.

Kinda like Eagle, I didn't really get it until the line "in my mind//... In your mind", but after that, wow.

And that last line's gonna be my MSN nick for tonight.
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#5
This was brilliant. You hooked me from the first word to the last. This shows a writing talent I knew you always had, but until now has not seen the light of day. Well done.
#7
I'm going to say that you'll look back on this in a couple of years and think how much you've improved on your character development, your subtley, and more maturely tuned writing style.

For me this was a little immature, just technics-wise, in strucutre, exuecution and style. I also thought you're over-use of pronouns frustrating, even sounding misused int he first three lines.

I have nothing specifically on the piece itself, too much, but it read like something that you (should) better in the years to come.

Just to let you know there is opposing opinion out there than the rest, and something to think on. I thought it was far from stunning/brilliant.

Cheers man. If you're willing to return, there's "the lines" in my sig. Thansk if you do.
#8
Thank you all.

I'll just say he's immagining all this scene. For further explanation pm ^^

Jammy, I feel what you're saying; this is not really innovative, in matter of subject and style, nor it is really well written. I was kind of waiting for someone to point that out.

I'll return to yours, and Dan, I'll check on yours tomorrow... I just came from a Turisas + Dragonforce show and I'm exhausted.

Yes. I like Dragonforce, and they were really good live, to my surprise; after seeing all those awful live shooting of them on youtube, I was actually curious. It was a pleasant surprise, and they actually play "well".
Last edited by seventh_angel at Feb 8, 2009,
#11
Getting Streetlight in my head in the middle was a little bit annoying, stopped me reading so fluidly, but it fitted. Congrats
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm going to say that you'll look back on this in a couple of years and think how much you've improved on your character development, your subtley, and more maturely tuned writing style.

For me this was a little immature, just technics-wise, in strucutre, exuecution and style. I also thought you're over-use of pronouns frustrating, even sounding misused int he first three lines.

I have nothing specifically on the piece itself, too much, but it read like something that you (should) better in the years to come.

Just to let you know there is opposing opinion out there than the rest, and something to think on. I thought it was far from stunning/brilliant.

Cheers man. If you're willing to return, there's "the lines" in my sig. Thansk if you do.


completely this. and you tried to walk a line between surreal and real without knowing which one it ever was. In other words, all the perfectly melodramatic lines were sullied by the perfectly mundane lines and visa-versa to leave a wordy, arguably directionless, piece. The varying style, punctuation, and syntax didnt help that either. I left with a "so what" feeling. I mean, sure, it's interesting, but blah, it's like you were writing to make the reader be involved and passive at the same time.

they are complicated with love in their minds. she may be a ghost. she may be himself. she may never have been there at all. so what.

it also reminded me of someone trying to be post-modern when they can't define what's modern or like if someone was trying to deconstruct a story when they don't know the first rules of narratives.

this was scattered, I'll probably return.

#15
which isnt to say that you don't deserve an "award" for your writing, I've always been a fan. However, this should not have been the piece to give such an "award" to. You have written much better and other's have posted much better in the previous week.

Also, I think it is stupid to say things like "about bloody time" about an award that should have connotations of merit and glory to the individual POEM as opposed to the author. Look, we have WOTM to celebrate the writers on this website, we have WOTW to celebrate the ****ing poem.

I'll stop cluttering your thread with stupid politickin.

Andre
#16
Quote by #1 synth
which isnt to say that you don't deserve an "award" for your writing, I've always been a fan. However, this should not have been the piece to give such an "award" to. You have written much better and other's have posted much better in the previous week.

Also, I think it is stupid to say things like "about bloody time" about an award that should have connotations of merit and glory to the individual POEM as opposed to the author. Look, we have WOTM to celebrate the writers on this website, we have WOTW to celebrate the ****ing poem.

I'll stop cluttering your thread with stupid politickin.

Andre


or song. or prose.

let's not limit ourselves here, that leads to elitism.
#17
Thank you all. As I told Jamie, I expect that some people feel quite indifferent to this... I mean, it's all vague and abstract, so it almost leads to binary opinions. I tried to mix simplicity and surrealism around a commom subject. I have to say that I don't think this is my best piece, I rarely write prose (this is mainly mere dialogue, but whatever) and I prefer poetry anyway. Plus, I also think some have written better this week Dylan.

everyone !
Last edited by seventh_angel at Feb 8, 2009,
#18
Very nice.

I also like the Streetlight Manifesto lyric thrown in.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching