#1
It's still a work in progress. I gotta write quite a bit more, but it's a start. Maybe you could give me some ideas on where to go with it.

Verse 1:
The War was over
And I was headin' home
I lost my right arm
And a piece of my soul

Verse 2:
Ghosts from the battlefield
Haunt me on that train
When a man goes to war
He can come back insane
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#2
Perhaps keep the train metaphor going and extend it a bit further try to keep the sense of movement alive, seeing as you begin with the end so to speak you'll have to try and put across the sense of physical and mental pain in a reflective manner. Obviously it's difficult to critique just two verses but it seems to be coming along OK. Watch the rhyming scheme though. Either have one or don't... you seem to be mixing it up somewhat.
Half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard.