#1
The chase begins
in the back alleys,
and ends on the bridge.
It passes through the
city centre
weaving you through the dense traffic.
- be careful how you go.
It's left,
then right,
straight for a mile,
left twice and
jump the river.
I miss it by feet.
What kind of man doesn't know how to swim?
A flawed existence.
An experience
of predictably poor
parenting;
software turned hard.
Load again;
this time, we'll get it right?

It's left,
then right,
straight,
left twice and
over the...

“sigh”.


Digitally Clean


I fancied something different.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Feb 4, 2009,
#2
This doesn't really hit anything thing. It kind of feels lazy to me, like just some writing rather than something that's really worth investing in as a reader.

It feels like a wild goose chase, reading it. There is no overiding theme or idea brought to the table, it feels more like an experiment of reader manipulation and a prank on the reader than a piece of writing that will inspire/whatever, move emotions or gain a new persepctive or thought on how things work.

This is pretty much covered by such ambigious faux-meaningful rhetorics like "What kind of man doesn't know how to swim?". You don't once expand on this point or anything, it's just there and for me, to pad this out, trying to show you have a deep thought here but it's not really a river you need to swim in.

I just feel you can do better. The language and sonics weren't that fascinating here either, you could have done so much more with the pacing of the piece and control of meter to show the chasing pace, or varied language to show the insecurity/frustration of the narrator.

This just felt dry, with little substance. And, I don't like your new avatar. I miss the old one.

Lines in the sig, if you could? Though this is probably paying you back Dan, so don't worry if not.

Cheers for the read, brah.
#4
This is about the predicatable way in which parents can be crap at what they do... parenting.
Thanks for the comments, this needs to be clearer, yes.
#5
I don't like this!

From the very title to the subject matter of parenthood. Parenthood is so much chance that I find this to be a silly view of it. Bad parenting, good parenting? Lucky parents, unlucky parents. Nothing like clockwork.

Beyond not liking the idea: the only thing I actually liked was the alliteration 'predictably poor parenting'. and I don't think that's say much.

I look forward to your next
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
Just popping in to say; I'm reading you, but I just can't comment much on anything right now.

sorry.
#7
I actually enjoy songs/peoms that are symbolic and abstract, however this is a bit boring. Sorry, there's just no meat in it. Or tofu if your a vegetarian. I can however understand the analogy to parenting but only barley and the way I compare them is not mentioned in the song but thats okay its your poem, prbly very personal.
EDIT: I think I kinda get it now: its kinda like a set of instructions? maybe not...
キタ━━━━(・∀・)━━━━!!
Quote by Ichikurosaki
shred knows more about everything than anyone i think

Quote by IchiKurosaki
i hope we never meet shjred honestly i love you but im scared of you
Last edited by Shredoftheday at Feb 7, 2009,
#8
You forgot to add the line about crashing into a brick wall and burning to death

I like the sigh at the end as if its all going wrong again.
#9
the fact that this is in second person felt incredibly awkward
also, despite all the movement in this, it doesnt seem to go anywhere

A flawed existence.
An experience
of predictably poor
parenting;

the first three lines here are the weakest. they just feel trite
and the last line about parenting really comes out of nowhere
i know its been commented on, but i felt it merited mention

the *sigh* at the end makes it feel like youve lost interest in writing it
i just dont feel like this is up to par with what ive read from you, which is usually stellar

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1089380

~b