#1
Well, this is my newest song.
I wrote it the other day in class lol.
verses are screamed and chorus sung.
Words in parenthesis are screamed as well.
The breakdown is sung also.

Cursed Name

[Verse 1]
With every single breath I breathe,
I spend all of my time wondering,
if you ever cared at all.

All this time I have wasted on,
asking myself what's wrong with me,
when the truth was staring back.

It's not me, it's you!

[Chorus]
My veins run cold,
and my eyes burn red when I hear your name.
It hurts so much,
because I bare (the same name)

[Verse 2]
Now my thoughts are breaking,
and my arms started shaking.
because all I've been through.

Then my heartbeat starts to race,
so fast I can't feel my own pulse,
due to images of you.

[Chorus 2]
My veins run cold,
and my eyes burn red when I hear your name.
It hurts so much,
because I bare (the same name)
My skin turns pale,
and my heart bursts with rage when I hear your name.
It kills me now,
because I bare (the same name)

[Breakdown]
And the sad thing is,
I'm becoming just like you.
and as time goes by,
I don't know what to do.

[instrumental maybe a solo]

[Chorus 2]x2

So that's it.
Let me know what you think.
#3
dude awesome, if you put the right riff and some strong chords i would definetely buy a cd with a song like that
#5
GOD DAMN. That 3-line chorus kicks so much ass.

Lovin' it.
Keep writin'!
(but that "veins run cold" is kinda cliche yknow?)
#7
Cliche is like... overused kinda... or commonly seen around things like this. Meaning you'd normally see something along the lines of "veins run cold" in songs like this.
#9
breakdown and verse could use some work, its very prose at that time. I like the chorus alot, naming off the body parts and such. Same with the rest of the song, it continues the theme of the body, pretty good.

the "its not me, its you" im sorry to say is very cliche. Switch it up a little bit, think of a simile/metaphor for it.
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Last edited by kellan6 at Feb 5, 2009,
#11
I love it read first line ended up singing along i don't think you should change vain's run cold
people here say its cliche but i think it goes with the song
every things cliche musics been around to long for some thing not two be used over and over again my only advice just with the way i was singing it wasn't necessarily screaming ad it still sounded good but i think the instrumental should like go with the break down and like pick up after the break down singing if u get what i mean like soft instrumental to go with it and then pick up for a solo till fin or course again but it is fine how it is i just thought id try to give some advice i would listen to it
Keep it up!! Edit: read it again maybe its just me but i feel like this line is forced

Then my heartbeat starts to race,
so fast I can't feel my own pulse,
due to images of you.
Last edited by gord69961 at Feb 6, 2009,
#12
Don't want to be a pessimist but this is the epitome of cliche. Considering that you wrote this during school your mind was obviously preoccupied by other matters resulting in a lackluster theme. So this song is about a family name and the burden of the name? Father issues? I guess it would pass for the style of music I've imagined this in because this is the type of lyrics that people want to hear. I guess I'm a bit biased to lyrics from bands like Agalloch or Opeth. Sorry for the bashing. It is a good effort. Try to create a deeper concept, utilize some better vocabulary and metaphors and I think I would be able to appreciate it. :P cheers. ( Thanks for the critique )
#13
This is pretty cliche, to be honest. What you try to convey has been done before, but many bands still do it and succeed. The reason for that is simply because they find new ways of saying the same things.

You should try to throw in some metaphors; they do wonder, IMO. A song where you have to think about what is being said and make your own interpretation is so much better than one where you're told exactly what's going on.

Anyway, it's just a thought. You'd probably get away with it in the kind of emo/hardcore genre, but even so you should look to throw in some more varied, complex vocabulary.

Hope this helps man, and thanks for critting mine!

Michal.
#14
all in all good but i would have to say to take out the My veins run cold,
part as said above its to cliche.

also you write awsome lyrics the thing is every one of your songs ive read so far it says scream the verse sing the chorus. after it gets recorded youll probbally realize it gets a bit boring to have the same singing formula for each song i think you write good but having it where you sing all of them the same way,it would take away from the song and it individuality. try mixing it up some make some songs with screaming on the chorus' make others where you dont scream at all, and have some that only have screaming at certin ( excuse the spelling ) parts. hope that helps
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