#1
Concen;traitor - manipuLATor, N. Fly at 18:
Is it too much? Is it not enough? Is it right to even do this? What's morally sound here? Is she even going to care the next morning? Is 16 too young for this? What if she contacts the authorities? What if she gets too clingy? Motormouth motomouthmotormouthmotormouthmotormouthmotormouthmotormouthmotormouth.

Concen;traitor - devaSTAtor, N. Fly at 22:
"I shaved my privates for this. Over here. OVER HERE! What is it? Shannon? Shannon! SHANNON! Over here." every2,000milesevery2,000milesevery2,000milesevery2,000milesevery2,000miles.

Concen;traitor - InstiGATor, N. Fly at 47:
"Is that her kid? I'd shove my cock right into the center of her skull."
Dead engine.
Scrap the parts for a politician.
Poor advice.
#2
You forgot a "r" at the second "motormouth" ?

Didn't understant the capitalsfor LAT and STA.
Is it ok if ive found the overall a bit amusing ? But nice still.
#4
Cool. ^^ I usually have a pretty hard time understanding the things you post. >< Guh time to make my english better i guess.
#6
<3 until i can think of anything better to say. Eah time I come back and read this, I like it more.
#7
It's a humorous, dark look at your fucked up mind. I guess everyone's piece is like that, just with less obscenities and vulgar imagery.
This had flow, not the, roll off the tongue sort, but the, this was written with a free pen, sort. It makes it more than acceptable because of that. Otherwise, I would of thought this was just some guy who thought he could condense his raw emotions into one small poem by using uncouth and 'scary' writing. Which would of been a little pathetic, to be honest.

Neat.
#8
I like the whole bit with Concentraitor Manipulator.


Flows nicely.

I just named a song of mine Swap God for a Janitor, Rot in a Jar of Dog Paws.


I like your stuff, it's a lot like this local bands lyrics. Dark, and grimey, but nice.

I'll read some more of your stuff and crit it, but I've got to go to bed .

Check out that song I named SGFAJRIAJODP. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=96580933
#9
Generally, it's courteous to the other people on the forum to send a private message if you want to dig up an old piece and crit it.
just saying...
#12
To be honest, I enjoyed the title more than the piece.
Which is pathetic because the first half of it is just from a movie.

The 3rd/instigator part was okay.

I expect more from you. D=
Promises meant a lot back then.