#1
well, i've never shared lyrics with anyone before. this isn't my usual style, but it popped in my head and i rolled with it. not sure if i like it too much.
---

you better step back in the line, boy,
or they'll beat you back in time, boy.
we don't appreciate your kind here.
you gotta earn your place here.

come back when your mind's clear,
come back when you've changed, dear.
you know we really don't see,
we don't see how you could ever be.

some day you might be
someone who can give me
a better argument than that,
and my tolerance for you is running flat.

we don't appreciate your kind here.
your place isn't here, dear.
you'll never earn your place here.
no, not with that face, dear.
you're not welcome, don't you know?

no.
Last edited by braineater. at Feb 5, 2009,
#2
First two lines i don't know about the repetition of "boy". Maybe omit the second one ?
3rd and 4th line i thought the repetition worked quite well.

"and my tolerance for you is running flat". I find that line odd. Rhyme seemed forced. Dont know what to replace it with though. =S

Last stanza was good.

Overall i liked it.

Could you have a look at mine plz. In my sig.
#3
Overall this is a pretty solid piece. I'm not sure if I should link it to slavery or just somebody who doesn't fit in or something. But it an interesting piece, and it actually does seem a bit different from what I've seen before, but at the same time...it doesn't, haha, I don't know if that's good or bad.
But overall I liked this piece, because for some reason, it made me feel kinda bad, haha. Which is good, that it had that effect. Maybe it's because I'm black *rolls eyes*