#1
In the taxi to the hospital
neither of us spoke.
I guess the paranoia in me
shadowed whatever we may have had to say.

Our intimacy was laughable, ironic, almost;
proximity mines, waiting to go off.
Step in the ocean and feel them under
your toes.
-If the sky is reflecting onto the sea
then why can't I see myself in heaven?-
I could be a little more pretentious about it,
at least then there would be something to talk about.

Have you ever done the same:
pursed your lips in a winter pall
and tried to whistle?
There's no veil without first
availing of your own shadow.

I always found studying hard,
when it's something as dainty as this:

there'll never be anyone for you,
without first
learning how to talk in slurs.


There's so much to say,
but so little time to say it;
to speak of the deeper things.
Expect the expectable
and don't cry when he drops you off
without a turn of his head
or a whittle of his daily conversation.

Have you ever done the same:
paid half your weeks wages
to hide away from the world?
There's no shame in what you're doing
or how you are doing it.
Just make sure you tip well
and keep the driver quiet.



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Feb 6, 2009,
#2
i honestly like this a hell of alot more than about 95% of your poems. its so honest and real. and you feel like your right there in the midst of it. it doesn't hide behind words or phrases, its poetic and brash and everything i love about poetry. dont change a thing.

but thats just me
#3
I like it. Cohesive and well written, it really creates the sense of awkwardness. Loved the proximity mines metaphor and the subtle pattern of rhythm 'veil... availling' etc.
Half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard.
#4
ill try and get to this.

because of everyone, you are one of the few people i nearly make an effort for
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Try and enjoy this as something other than what you think it to be...
Absolutely not. I'll enjoy this just as I see it, because that is enough. Putting this here distracts the reader from an already beautiful piece of work. But I digress. Time to crit.


In the taxi to the hospital
neither of us spoke.
I guess the paranoia in me
shadowed whatever we may have had to say.
This last phrase rolls awkwardly off the tongue, because of the contrasting vowel sounds. Not a big deal, but it's there. The rest of it is impeccable. You draw me in and set a characters and a situation.
Our intimacy was laughable, ironic, almost;
I love the way this line is structured... Just the way you crafted the clause made it seem wistful.
proximity mines, waiting to go off.
Step in the ocean and feel them under
your toes.
-If the sky is reflecting onto the sea
then why can't I see myself in heaven?-
This whole bit is great because you flow easily from one image to another- land mines to ocean to sky to heaven. The more I read it, the more I love it. Oh, one thing: the line break after "under" was not nice I would switch it around so that "them" is the last word in the line.
I could be a little more pretentious about it,
at least then there would be something to talk about.
This breaks up the flow you had going, which may be intentional, but is still jarring.
Have you ever done the same:
pursed your lips in a winter pall
and tried to whistle?
There's no veil without first
availing of your own shadow.

I always found studying hard,
when it's something as dainty as this:

there'll never be anyone for you,
without first
learning how to talk in slurs.

You separating this whole section felt wrong to me. It's a separate thought but nothing leads up to it, so it feels like an unwelcome interlude in the middle of the piece. Also, italicising (I'll say it the british way just for all you brits out there) the last three lines was irritating because you have an interesting idea, but you know it. You want people to pay attention to it, but that's unnecessary and annoying.
There's so much to say,
but so little time to say it;
to speak of the deeper things.
Vague, almost cliche
Expect the expectable
and don't cry when he drops you off
without a turn of his head
or a whittle of his daily conversation.
The rest of it was great
Have you ever done the same:
paid half your week's wages
to hide away from the world?
There's no shame in what you're doing
or how you are doing it.
Just make sure you tip well
and keep the driver quiet.

The ending is fantastic.

Digitally Clean



Well, I was as harsh as I could be and then just a little bit pickier. You could easily change nothing about this and it would still be my favorite thing I've read from you, and one of the best pieces this week.
Last edited by Hesh at Feb 5, 2009,
#8
In the taxi to the hospital
neither of us spoke.
I guess the paranoia in me
shadowed whatever we may have had to say.

Our intimacy was laughable, ironic, almost;
proximity mines, waiting to go off.
Step in the ocean and feel them under
your toes.
I really like the imagery of this. as if it weren't enough to be wary of swimming because of what can bump into your toes and feel and legs from under there (such a thrill when your swimming and something brushes up against you underwater), - you have to take the German WW2 mines into consideration! nice.

If the sky is reflecting onto the sea
then why can't I see myself in heaven?-
I could be a little more pretentious about it,
at least then there would be something to talk about.
I have always had a bit of a problem with any poetry mentioning 'god' or 'God' or 'heaven' or anything overtly religious, unless it's done very well, i.e. classics etc. But it makes sense to me that the word 'pretentious' should show up in the very next line that 'heaven' is written. Not per se, but I'm thinking that the connection was somewhere in the back of your mind. I hate to say it, but my advice would be to cut these four lines. sorry.




Have you ever done the same:
pursed your lips in a winter pall
and tried to whistle?
There's no veil without first
availing of your own shadow.
I didn't know what a 'pall' was. Still don't, actually- not the best way to put that one that. But I didn't really get this part.

I always found studying hard,
when it's something as dainty as this:
just personally, I don't love the line about studying.

there'll never be anyone for you,
without first
learning how to talk in slurs.
but I do really like the idea behind these three lines. the other poster said something about how it seems like you know this was good and wanted attention paid to it which took some of the luster off of it, but maybe it's just written in a little bit too high English when referencing slurs. maybe that's what bugged him. I could see this being re-worked, and maybe taking a bigger place in this, like, giving a better idea as to what the girl you are with in the taxi (I think that's what s going on) is like.

There's so much to say,
but so little time to say it;
to speak of the deeper things.
I agree with the other poster about these three lines.
Expect the expectable
and don't cry when he drops you off
without a turn of his head
or a whittle of his daily conversation.
this was a very cool image

Have you ever done the same:
paid half your weeks wages
to hide away from the world?
There's no shame in what you're doing
or how you are doing it.
Just make sure you tip well
and keep the driver quiet.
this ending though, just blows it out of the water (like if your foot actually set off that proximity mine that had been waiting for those Hertz Horns to take enough pressure that a fish just can't manage, not matter how hard the little guy might try). it's really good man, I think that you should use this last stanza as lyrics in a tune, they're good enough I think to sing over and over again. and keeping a driver quiet? that's so cool.


So, in conclusion, even though I don't think that all of it was gold, I think that it was more of a success than might be seen by my critique because you can use that last part in a song. And people will bop rop to it. and even with a lot of published poetry that's just amazing a lot if not most of it wouldn't work in a song, as lyrics, and this does - so, my advice, maybe write a song called 'the taxi' or something, keep the first seven lines or revisions of them, something about the slurring (and how some chicks do that and you find yourself slipping into it because you don't want to sound square), something about a guy dropping her off and not looking, but so mostly that last stanza. could be rocked man. just my suggestion, anyways, nice job


#10
In the taxi to the hospital
neither of us spoke.
I guess the paranoia in me
shadowed whatever we may have had to say. This line is a touch awkward; if you can change it, do.

Our intimacy was laughable, ironic, almost;
proximity mines, waiting to go off.
Step in the ocean and feel them under
your toes.
-If the sky is reflecting onto the sea
then why can't I see myself in heaven?-
I could be a little more pretentious about it,
at least then there would be something to talk about.
I love the imagery and train of thought here; what parkt921k said about it being a bit irrelevant he should possibly apply to some of the asides in his own commentary.

Have you ever done the same:
pursed your lips in a winter pall
and tried to whistle? I know! When it's cold and your lips are dry and no matter how you try, you can't... especially when its bleak and dreary and you need something to cheer you up. You have that just right, though I'm not sure it's quite relevant.
There's no veil without first
availing of your own shadow.

I always found studying hard,
when it's something as dainty as this:

there'll never be anyone for you,
without first
learning how to talk in slurs.

There's so much to say,
but so little time to say it;
to speak of the deeper things.

This is all disjointed and the last part is cliched. The central thought has worth though, maybe you could rework them around each other? Perhaps-

There's so much to say,
But it's too/so hard to say it;
I could never learn the lesson that
'There'll never be anyone for you,
without first
learning how to talk in slurs.'

That might also lead on better to the next bit about being dropped off.


Expect the expectable
and don't cry when he drops you off
without a turn of his head
or a whittle of his daily conversation.

Have you ever done the same:
paid half your weeks wages
to hide away from the world?
There's no shame in what you're doing
or how you are doing it.
Just make sure you tip well
and keep the driver quiet. I love it, I love it, I love it!

This is really rather good. A little twiddling here and tweaking there could have it in fine working order.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
Last edited by miss_muso~ at Feb 6, 2009,
#11
This was real; I felt that you felt it.

Real good.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
Quote by bluesybilly
i honestly like this a hell of alot more than about 95% of your poems. its so honest and real. and you feel like your right there in the midst of it. it doesn't hide behind words or phrases, its poetic and brash and everything i love about poetry. dont change a thing.

but thats just me


^ This.