#1
Me

Never held a purse of fuck me wishes,
first time kisses, just held by throat
not broke though
blood painted me sidewalk
that night, all out front -
art from the streets of Beijing

fall asleep dream, be told
I 'will see
the gates
and fire from the ends of my hands.'
Then wake
my job at burger king
Daniel Johnston's manager
home town - jokes,
and I can’t feel a thing.

The Internet

internet poster writes
‘trust me I've been there’
the forum tonight
likely
the truth,
but, no effect
I don’t care, his bullshit advice
took thirty seconds to write
twenty words of dope exploits.

Christ-like internet, a waste,
but better than Shakespeare,
and dogs let loose on the bears -
Though, now we watch the wars.

The Rock Star

A bad situation, blood paintings, famous
painting with a syringe, would say
"at least that last half hour wasn’t wasted".
- all his fault, family disowned
the addiction such a giggle -
because what’s more exciting
than sprinkling the heroin, a roll cigarette,
walking Soho, check the scene
young little proper English waster
straight A levels
and read poetry in Russia at sixteen?

The Mother

Just a way to get a good paycheck, a family,
and tries to further herself in as many ways
as she can every day. She can every day.
But the trap of responsibility and dress suit strain
it is all in vain
and her children do not like her
and she doesn’t care
and hits them when they misbehave.
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 9, 2009,
#2
Quote by parkt921k
Me

I held not a purse of **** me wishes
first time kisses after held me by the throat
but I am not broken even though
my blood it paints both me and the sidewalk
all out front
like art from Beijing
For a start, I don't like the way the asterisks covers over the vulgar language that is present. You can avoid that by changing the size of the font in two of the letters. F/size2/uc/size2/k.
Also, I dislike the way you worded this. Although, it does paint a strong picture of a character and how it contrasts with the rest of the poem. But I have a sneaky feeling that that wasn't your aim.


I fall asleep and dream I am told
that I will see the gates
and fire from the ends of my hands
then I wake up
and go to my job as a manager at the burger king
in a foreign land, my home town
and I can’t feel a thing
I enjoyed the imagery here and the quirks to it, but once again, the wording and diction puts me off. Maybe it's the lack of proper punctuation that does it? Maybe it's just simply the way in which you worded things?

The Internet

an advice giving anonymous internet poster writes
‘trust me I've been there’
and you know he’s telling the truth
but it has no effect on me
and I don’t much care
about his two sentence thirty seconds
dope exploits
I like the idea here, but the third line doesn't seem to coincide with the fifth line very much. Something about it doesn't quite go. Also, how the fifth line that leads into the sixth is disconnected and encumbered.


The Rock Star

in a bad situation
and at least for him the last half hour wasn’t wasted
but it is all his fault and, and disease I guess, as they say
I found this to be too wordy.

and except for the dying and dyers he likely wouldn’t much want it
any other way -
Don't like the line break.
because what’s more exciting
than a sprinkled in roll up walking through Soho
a young little proper English subject straight A waster?

The Mother

just a way to get a paycheck
and try to further yourself in as many ways
as you can every day
but the trap of responsibility and dress suit strain
it is all in vain
and your children do not like you
and you don’t care
and hit them when they misbehave

I really like the idea and the layout; it really sets the concrete hard. But the wording, disconnection and lack of punctuation drags the piece down. The line breaks and wording is not plain and simple, it needs something more sturdy for the reader to make sure he is on the right path.
It's very frustrating when you have re-read certain lines and say them out loud in different ways; emphasising certain phrases more so than others, just because the writer didn't feel it necessary to add the aid.
There is a lot of really good stuff here and it feels a little different from your normal style - or maybe I've just spent too long away from your work? - but either way, I think with editing - if that is your desire - this could be well well well worth the effort and for the crappy crit.

Sorry I didn't get to your last one.

Digitally Clean
#3
thanks as always for your input. i changed it around what I liked about your advice which I appreciate because it's always mostly right and spot on, but anyway i'll get to yours here in a few.
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 6, 2009,