#1
Severed sorrows flooding through conversation.
A story she once told me of her sickly father.
Of whispers tumbling into distressed screams.
Seven hours of mocking silence between the crumbling walls.

The smile of spring has wilted into a sickening frown.
A swelling mass of uncertainty draining all ambition.
Blue eyes dressed in satin ebony.
The undertow never ceasing.

Our time is bleeding through words.
Weeks fade, months in decay, memories decrepit.
But she's still here in my arms.
And I listen.

"Do you dream as I do?
Do you remember the tender age?"

This is forever. The haze in the spiteful horizon.
The summer smiting pools of rapture.
Brimstone. Inferno. Hellfire.
The great gates of her fabrication.

"You wanted to live forever. To be free."
And there she was. Beguiled by what she believed.
There is hope beneath the waves.

The windowpane grows pale with light.
She whispers in my ear. Silence stirs lament.
And we welcome the wailing of the dying winds.
To accept the beauty in all things.

A twisted reality. The beauty in the dismantling of her white robe.
As the autumn leaves feed the earth she will nourish me.
Until the shadows claim us with the stifling blanket of night.
I will love her. For I know her story.
The blue eyes beneath the veil.

c4c. I will make changes in the future based on feedback and my own personal opinion.
#3
I honestly love it.
the titles is awesome, and the lyrics are just captivating. I think It's fine as is, man.

If you want, please check out my newest song (bottom of the list in my sig)
#4
Very nice!
Looks like you put thought into this song.
Props to you bro.

My favorite part:
This is forever. The haze in the spiteful horizon.
The summer smiting pools of rapture.
Brimstone. Inferno. Hellfire.
The great gates of her fabrication


Comment Cursed Name? (link in sig)
#5
Quite good except the punctuation really annoys me. The way every line is full-stopped without mercy makes it feel like the words are put in cages or nailed down or something. It makes it very stilted and, in some places, just wrong. In some parts though it does work and carries the meaning and mood well.
Here's my prefered reading:

Severed sorrows flooding through conversation.
A story she once told me of her sickly father,
Of whispers tumbling into distressed screams;
Seven hours of mocking silence between the crumbling walls.

The smile of spring has wilted into a sickening frown,
A swelling mass of uncertainty draining all ambition.
Blue eyes dressed in satin ebony. Something should be here but I'm not sure what
The undertow never ceasing.

Our time is bleeding through words;
Weeks fade, months in decay, memories decrepit.
But she's still here in my arms.
And I listen.

"Do you dream as I do?
Do you remember the tender age?"

This is forever. The haze in the spiteful horizon.
The summer smiting pools of rapture.
Brimstone. Inferno. Hellfire.
The great gates of her fabrication.

"You wanted to live forever. To be free."
And there she was. Beguiled by what she believed.
There is hope beneath the waves.

The windowpane grows pale with light.
She whispers in my ear. Silence stirs lament,
And we welcome the wailing of the dying winds
To accept the beauty in all things.

A twisted reality; the beauty in the dismantling of her white robe.
As the autumn leaves feed the earth she will nourish me.
Until the shadows claim us with the stifling blanket of night
I will love her. For I know her story - (or ';' or ':')
The blue eyes beneath the veil.


Some of the lines/sentences are incomplete, which in some bits works and others not, but overall it's fairly well constructed and flows through nicely (apart from the full stops!). But that is just my opinion.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
Last edited by miss_muso~ at Feb 6, 2009,
#6
Wow i really like it. Your vocabulary is awesome a lil darker then I usually like but still a great set of lyrics. If this is a poem great job if its a song I'd be interested to hear this to music because although the lyrics are awesome i didnt get a whole sense of musical flow by reading it although you can almost feel how it would sound with music. Overall i really enjoyed it great job keep up the good work
#8
Quote by AgainsTheMirror

Severed sorrows flooding through conversation.
A story she once told me of her sickly father.
Of whispers tumbling into distressed screams.
Seven hours of mocking silence between the crumbling walls.

(I like it, the way it's set the scene of the couple is very nice. But i don't really like the last line, why have the screams become silence? A nice opener though)

The smile of spring has wilted into a sickening frown.
A swelling mass of uncertainty draining all ambition.
Blue eyes dressed in satin ebony.
The undertow never ceasing.

(Right, this is good appart from the 2nd line, it's a very weak image, for one thing, a 'mass' of something cannot drain something, and uncertainty, is a lack of something, not a mass of something so i think you should try to change that line as just now it just sounds like you're trying to hard)

Our time is bleeding through words.
Weeks fade, months in decay, memories decrepit.
But she's still here in my arms.
And I listen.

(I don't like this, it's all too forced i. The first line has quite a weak image to begin with, i'm just not sure what you mean. The second line is a good idea but i think you should re-do it it just seems... fractured, the last two lines are good though, and the idea of the stanza is good.)

"Do you dream as I do?
Do you remember the tender age?"

(nice, keep it)

This is forever. The haze in the spiteful horizon.
The summer smiting pools of rapture.
Brimstone. Inferno. Hellfire.
The great gates of her fabrication.

(nice, i really like this actually, some nice images and word choice)

"You wanted to live forever. To be free."
And there she was. Beguiled by what she believed.
There is hope beneath the waves.

(Although i'm not sure about the image, for some reason this is really cool)

The windowpane grows pale with light.
She whispers in my ear. Silence stirs lament.
And we welcome the wailing of the dying winds.
To accept the beauty in all things.

(hmm, this is a nice stanza but there are some strange contradictions I think you should look at, if you could change ‘silence stirs lament’ as it seems a bit contradictory and ‘wailing of the dying winds’ the contradiction (deliberate or not) doesn’t seem to fit I think you should try something else as it just sounds a bit contrived)

A twisted reality. The beauty in the dismantling of her white robe.
As the autumn leaves feed the earth she will nourish me.
Until the shadows claim us with the stifling blanket of night.
I will love her. For I know her story.
The blue eyes beneath the veil.

(This is a fantastic stanza, I love it, love it, love it! don’t do anything to it)

c4c. I will make changes in the future based on feedback and my own personal opinion.


All in all, there was some really great stuff in here, it just seemed like at some points you were trying to hard, but just a bit of tweaking and changing about and this’ll be great.

Cheers
Ru
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#9
Quote by AgainsTheMirror

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Here we gooooooooo-...
Severed sorrows flooding through conversation.
This is not really a thought complete enough to merit a period. Put a semicolon instead.
A story she once told me of her sickly father.
Of whispers tumbling into distressed screams.
Seven hours of mocking silence between the crumbling walls.
I liked the screams-silence contrast, but I think you could get rid of the number in the last line. It detracts, imo, from the overall feel of this stanza.
The smile of spring has wilted into a sickening frown.
"Sickening frown" seemed like a rather immature phrase compared to the rest of this. Think of something more "poetic", so to speak.
A swelling mass of uncertainty draining all ambition.
Blue eyes dressed in satin ebony.
The undertow never ceasing.
The rest of this stanza was very nice, really. The second to last line may be one of my favorite descriptive lines from this forum, tbh.
Our time is bleeding through words.
Weeks fade, months in decay, memories decrepit.
But she's still here in my arms.
And I listen.

"Do you dream as I do?
Do you remember the tender age?"

This is forever. The haze in the spiteful horizon.
The summer smiting pools of rapture.
Brimstone. Inferno. Hellfire.
The great gates of her fabrication.
You shift very suddenly from summer to hell. Disconcerting.
"You wanted to live forever. To be free."
And there she was. Beguiled by what she believed.
There is hope beneath the waves.

The windowpane grows pale with light.
She whispers in my ear. Silence stirs lament.
And we welcome the wailing of the dying winds.
To accept the beauty in all things.

A twisted reality. The beauty in the dismantling of her white robe.
As the autumn leaves feed the earth she will nourish me.
Until the shadows claim us with the stifling blanket of night.
I will love her. For I know her story.
The blue eyes beneath the veil.
wow. i wish i could comment in a detached fashion about the rest of this, but i simply can't, i like it too much.
c4c. I will make changes in the future based on feedback and my own personal opinion.


Overall, you had a bit of trouble starting off, but this piece really found itself near the middle. I'm such a sucker for good images