#1
some ideas i like, some i don't. likely rewrite. crits very appreciated. c4c. ots.

antarctica
sober, somber sleeper-cells
sleeping in their unmitigated hells
and every day it gets a little bit prettier.
and every night it gets a little bit shittier.
i stood as space man, standing atop
a shrunken planet, and you don't know
how very alone it gets up here.
how very cold it gets in the lower levels
of the atmosphere.
and i don't need oxygen to breathe
so why's it always feel like i'm struggling
to decompress my lungs.
and i can feel the smoke leaking
through my pores digging itself into
my internal organs, migrating from lungs to heart.
careening cancerous dreams like art.
i fell to my knees in secular prayer
and i screamed and i screamed and
even now the telephone rings
and i just ask,
"is there anyone there, anywhere?"
and it rings and it rings.
#2
Each time i started to worry that the writing was weaking, you saved yourself. THis isn't your best, but I did enjoy it. I'll be back to nitpick properly.
#3
hey, my first critique for you. anyway, I want to say first of all that this was written very well where word number, syllables, and rhymes were concerned. It's discipline. And very nice to see, as opposed to for example maybe some of my stuff that's got lines that are three words to twenty, all over the place. But this, at first glance, can see it's of a higher level. anyways,

sober, somber sleeper-cells
sleeping in their unmitigated hells
I don't like the idea of sleeper-cells because it reminds me of terrorist sleeper cells, and it seems like I'm supposed to feel sympathy of some sort for them in their 'hells', and I don't.
and every day it gets a little bit prettier.
and every night it gets a little bit ****tier.
I'm wary of using the word '****' in it's forms in writing, I think that I may have misused it twice in my latest posting, but, .. I think it might come across at a little too 'easy' here, like it was the first thing that came to mind and there was an 'oh well, fine, it'll work, whatever' before it was written
i stood as space man, standing atop
a shrunken planet, and you don't know
how very alone it gets up here.
how very cold it gets in the lower levels
of the atmosphere.
I like how these lines work with the title
there's a slight hint of Bowie here, as he pwnes the spaceman in songs, like Elton John's got the rocketman, and between the two of them it's probably pretty hard not to conjure either on this sort of subject.
I really like how you describe the atmosphere
and i don't need oxygen to breathe
so why's it always feel like i'm struggling
to decompress my lungs.
and i can feel the smoke leaking
through my pores digging itself into
my internal organs, migrating from lungs to heart.
careening cancerous dreams like art.
i have a fair idea as to what this means, I take it breathing smoke instead of breathing, which is a very cool idea. I don't like the word 'cancerous' here, but I like the rest of it. well, kind of anyway.
pretty cool rhyming scheme
i fell to my knees in secular prayer
and i screamed and i screamed and
even now the telephone rings
and i just ask,
"is there anyone there, anywhere?"
and it rings and it rings.
I think that, sanz the line about screaming, that these five lines were the strongest in this, and could be used in a song. Or not, but they are some pretty strong lines.

There is really some good stuff in here, and I also like the cool detached-ness of the whole thing, and I suppose if I think about it there's a lot that you didn't do, - cliche, boringness, etc., and I look forward to paying closer attention to your posts.
#4
A pleasure as always.

"how very alone it gets up here.
how very cold it gets in the lower levels
of the atmosphere."

^
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
antarctica
sober, somber sleeper-cells
sleeping in their unmitigated hells
and every day it gets a little bit prettier.
and every night it gets a little bit ****tier.
(I like the alliteration at the begining, gives the reader a bit of a tongue twister so they don't relax too much, and then the use of the word 'unmitigated' is also good for this, and the next two lines are quite cool, but you might want to reconsider the repetition of the word 'sleeping/sleeper' in my opinion it just doesn't quite sound right, maybe try 'laying' or something like that)
i stood as space man, standing atop
a shrunken planet, and you don't know
how very alone it gets up here.
how very cold it gets in the lower levels
of the atmosphere.
(this is a nice idea, i like the image, and the repeated line structure 'how very...how very' especially when you used the same technique in the stanza before. The only criticism i will give, is that the rhythm is a bit wonky, but heh, i haven't heard it read so and maybe it works, nice idea though)
and i don't need oxygen to breathe
so why's it always feel like i'm struggling
to decompress my lungs.
and i can feel the smoke leaking
through my pores digging itself into
my internal organs, migrating from lungs to heart.
(i don't like this bit so much, the rhythm is more wonky than the last bit, and i don't like the 'migrating from lungs to heart' it could be good if migration was like, an extended metaphor but as it stands i don't think it works)
careening cancerous dreams like art.
i fell to my knees in secular prayer
and i screamed and i screamed and
even now the telephone rings
and i just ask,
"is there anyone there, anywhere?"
and it rings and it rings.

(i like the alitteration at the beginning again, that's quite nice, i don't like the 'secular prayer' bit though the whole line just sounds a bit incogruous, if you want to use 'fell to my knees' then maybe 'fell to my knees, shocked by a dart' or something that flows a bit better' but i would probably try to replace the whole line. the rest of it however is very nice, and the lonliness is felt in this bit more than in some of the rest.)

All in all nice work, could be a bit better rhythmically and there's not much of an ongoing theme throughout, but enjoyable nonetheless. Kudos

Cheers
Ru.
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Any feedback appreciated

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