#1
a poem not a song.C4C and all the usual stuff


Your heart is a maze and I’m lost
I struggle to find a way
Not out, but rather, deeper.

Bound by shackles of my own design
Imprisoned by four letters
You don’t know it, or want it.

My own heart is a map of scars
And all paths lead to you
I want to walk all paths to the end.
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at Feb 6, 2009,
#2
Your heart is a maze and I’m lost
I struggle to find a way
Not out, but rather, deeper.
Doesn't mean much on it's own, but when you consider the rest of the poem it's nicely placed.

Bound my shackles of my own design
Imprisoned by four letters
You don’t know it, or want it.
Again, sounds like a slightly silly factual statement on it's own but begins to mean something real put into context.

My own heart is a map of scars
And all paths lead to you
I want to walk all paths to the end.
Last line implies suicidal thoughts? If so, nicely hidden... I'd say this is the strongest stanza.

Overall Impression: Doesn't really appear to go anywhere, but not actively painful to read either. Could be longer though; you didn't put down enough to let ideas develop imo.

C4C?
#3
I found it a bit short. Like MopMaster said, the ideas could be better developped.

I liked the first stanza better.

C4C the one in my sig plz ?
#4
Quote by Eggmond
a poem not a song.C4C and all the usual stuff


Your heart is a maze and I’m lost
I struggle to find a way
Not out, but rather, deeper.
The message is a little obvious; perhaps try elaborating, and using more complex metaphors?

Bound my shackles of my own design
Imprisoned by four letters
You don’t know it, or want it.
I think that should be "Bound by". The last line was poor, I think you should change it.

My own heart is a map of scars
And all paths lead to you
I want to walk all paths to the end.
Again the last line could be changed to something much better. I think each stanza could be doubled in length, to make the meaning a little less compressed and in-your-face.


Hope I help =)
#5
thanks.its deliberatly vague like most of my stuff cos i want the reader to really think about it and attribute their own meaning to it.

no that line doesnt imply suicide intentionally but im glad u took your own meaning different to mine.when i wrote the line i was portraying my desire to exhaust all possiblities with this particular girl even though they are painful.this was to convey the immeasurable happiness that i this girl gave me and how it dwarfed the substantial pain that accompanied it
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial