#1
C4C


There we stood like perfect teeth
In uniform precision
Not a single soul could see
Our overwhelming indecision

[C]
Don’t you ever seem to think
That we are all alone
Won’t you ever stop to see
Our walls have broke down long ago
Long ago


And by that broken down machine
Is where you first said you loved me
And what a metaphor, I see
Because we were ripping at the seams

[C]
And there we stood like perfect teeth
Not a single soul could see the space between us
You and me


I'm not too sure on the final chorus, I wanted to continue it for 2 more lines instead of ending with "You and me" but couldn't think of something. So feedback is appreciated.
#2
well what rhymes with teeth or us?
I fell asleep on my arm once, scariest thing that ever happened to me. I thought it was kill.
#3
Well the part I didn't know to extend on is whether I should continue with the metaphor of seeming perfect on the outside but being ****ed on the inside or whether I should make the next line "And there we stood like crooked teeth"

edit: I've thought of maybe
"It's a bad secret we don't wanna keep"
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Feb 6, 2009,
#4
You could perhaps say something about having cavities behind the straight, white 'perfect teeth'... rotting from the inside, etc.

It doesn't quite make sense to me and it doesn't leap out and grab me, but I kinda like the feel of the words. Play with it a bit, then turn it to music. Should be good.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#5
Well here is what I've got now.

There we stood like perfect teeth
In uniform precision
Not a single soul could see
Our overwhelming indecision

Don’t you ever seem to think
That we are all alone
Won’t you ever stop to see
Our walls have broke down long ago
Long ago


And by that broken down machine
Is where you first said you loved me
And what a metaphor, I see
Because we were ripping at the seams

And what an unfortunate predicament we’re in
Neither one of us really wanted this to end
Like this

And there we stood like perfect teeth
Not a single soul could see the space between us
And now the cavities it seems
Well they’ve come for you and me.
#6
I like that better now, it's come along well. Flows better and feels more complete.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#7
You could possibly play around with tense or aspect to show the difference between one time and another. Like at the start you could use "Now we stand like perfect teeth", or "Now we're are standing like perfect teeth". This helps to create more flow or create further intimacy with the listener. But toward the end use the past perfect aspect to create a finite end, showing the times describes in the initial verse and chorus as far gone in the past, thus helping to show the decay of your subject by the end of song.

Yes I am an English Literature student :P
Life is precious,
So why waste time mouthing off shit with your every breath:
Don't you know there is no life after death.