#1
When i was a kid,
me and my siblings
saved our pennies
in a jar
and eventually
pooled those pennies
to buy a bunch of
goldfish.

They happily lived
in a glass bowl
and we happily gazed
at them
and prodded
at the glass,
it would ping
and the goldfish
would stir,
that is,
until one day
my brother decided
that they needed to be fed.

He fed them
with a sizeable
dose of orange squash,
within a couple minutes
they were dead.

We cried a lot that day
and realised that
things made of gold could still be fragile.


07/02/09

m+w
Last edited by bowl of oranges at Feb 7, 2009,
#3
I like it, I like a lot where you're trying to go with this

but the last stanza as a whole and especially the closer seemed a little too wordy. the ending came off as clumsy. maybe "golden things" instead of "made of gold" would ease it up a little and all.

Good little piece, though.
#5
Thanks for the feeback guys, circular, i think you may be correct about the wording, especially on the last line. It gets the point accross but perhaps just lacks the execution to hit it home.