#1
This is pretty much the first song I've ever written and I only spent thirty minutes on it, but please tell me what you think.


"Tied to the Vine"

My leaf circles my home,
This column, falling down.
The vine splits its path,
I'll see you on the ground.

Theres thorns in all of us.
Crowns made from our past.
We wear them without pride,
Tied to the vine.

Our tangled mess of words,
We spoke under the light,
That should have helped us grow,
Only made us fight.

And a week without water,
Can make you burn alive.
We block the others' way,
As fire made by day.

Consuming all the homes,
We decorate so well,
Till we are left with ash,
And everything is black.
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
Last edited by MedicreDemon at Feb 7, 2009,
#2
I like the metaphors you used to indicate stress at home (I'm assuming I interpreted that right.)

And I especially like the closing two lines.

Maybe it's cause I like ash references and black is my fav color.

Great first work!

Keep writing. It's a good hobby.
#3
wow i thought it was great..nice metaphorical use
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Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
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This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#4
thank you both
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#6
I agree with everyone else, I thought the metaphors were awesome.

The part that stuck out the most to me were the first 2 lines of the 4th stanza. Kick ass!

Keep writing
#7
what do you mean rhyme "scheme"? there are parts that rhyme and parts that don't.

either 2nd and 4th line or 3rd and 4th
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#8
Quote by MedicreDemon
what do you mean rhyme "scheme"? there are parts that rhyme and parts that don't.

either 2nd and 4th line or 3rd and 4th


the rhyme scheme is the pattern the poem uses when it rhymes I'll re read it and see if I can find it but this is a good piece I really did enjoy it

EDIT: ok I found the rhymes I dont know why but the first couple read throughs I couldnt find them...oh well
Last edited by therealtater at Feb 7, 2009,
#9
Wow, thanks everyone.

Oh, and I've edited the first two lines to flow better.
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#10
'We block the others' way,| As fire made by day' doesn't quite fit for me - it doesn't really go with the rest of the song.
However the rest of it is quite good, if ambiguous, and would make a nice lyric piece. If you could muck around with those two lines so they suited the rest of the theme a bit better it would polish it up nicely. Thumbs up.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.