#1
this feels like its my weakest piece of work...can you give me some reviews/advice ?


IF GALILEO WAS BLIND
_______________________

Blindness comes in many ways
Some stare blank with eyes of glaze
But each have the power to change today.

If Galileo were blind where would we be
blind by society or eyes to see
he saw the stars in a whole new way
with this sight he changed the day

Society cast out the open eyes
wanting to live in a world of lies

hypnotized and in a daze
people fear to change there ways

Living in comfort,the darkest of dark
those who seek light are deprived the spark

hiding together afraid of the unknown
it takes just one pioneer to step out alone

If Galileo was blind and lost his way
the stars would be different in present day

its Time to run, time to get away
Run from the blind, find the light of day
Quote by jsbud11
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#2
check your grammar first off (there =/= their).
i like the message, and wordchoice is good as well.

personally, i hate it when people need to rhyme the end of lines. it irks me, but this is more of my own style than anything. for example, one of my own works:

Quick attempts at swift failures rush,
Still lost in ambered memories.
A sound, a bird, a freedom cry!
From these bars may I break
So I may thank this dove.

theres more to it than just that verse, but thats the best example.
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#3
Quote by TK1
check your grammar first off (there =/= their).
i like the message, and wordchoice is good as well.

personally, i hate it when people need to rhyme the end of lines. it irks me, but this is more of my own style than anything. for example, one of my own works:

Quick attempts at swift failures rush,
Still lost in ambered memories.
A sound, a bird, a freedom cry!
From these bars may I break
So I may thank this dove.

theres more to it than just that verse, but thats the best example.


haha yeah i always get there and their mixed up..oh well

thanks for the review


i dont like rhyming every line but for some reason i find it sometimes necessary to do..

thanks so much for reading mine..its my weakest work i think..
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#4
Its cool man, its just that almost everything on UG is like this. Not this idea obviously, but i could very well see a metal band chuggin out to this. Not my flavor but some cool concepts.
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#5
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Its cool man, its just that almost everything on UG is like this. Not this idea obviously, but i could very well see a metal band chuggin out to this. Not my flavor but some cool concepts.



its not gonna be metal..its gonna be more classic rock/blues stuff..with a ambient twist i guess

thanks for the review =]
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#6
Blindness comes in many ways
Some stare blank with eyes of glaze
But each have the power to change today.

i would go for "eyes that gaze" instead, to show the difference between lookin and watchin

If Galileo were blind where would we be
blind by society or eyes to see
he saw the stars in a whole new way
with this sight he changed the day

this is weak, imo, don't really get it personally

i would go for "today" instead, to show the effect he has...


Society cast out the open eyes
wanting to live in a world of lies
are you speakin to the Society?
if yes, you need commas. anyway, i would go for "eyes that live in worlds of lies"


hypnotized and in a daze
people fear to change there ways

that's cool

Living in comfort,the darkest of dark
those who seek light are deprived the spark

good, only i'd go for "seeking the light, deprived by the spark"

hiding together afraid of the unknown
it takes just one pioneer to step out alone

nothing to spot out thur

If Galileo was blind and lost his way
the stars would be different in present day

i'd go for "if Galileo was blinded away"

its Time to run, time to get away
Run from the blind, find the light of day

cool



all in all, i liked the general idea of it.

i hate when ppl make suggestions for my works like the ones i did for yourse, so don't really mind em, i actually hate myself for doing that
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#7
Quote by KenMasters
all in all, i liked the general idea of it.

i hate when ppl make suggestions for my works like the ones i did for yourse, so don't really mind em, i actually hate myself for doing that



no no! i greatly appreciate your review!

thanks mate!
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
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This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#8
Same critique as the guys before. Even if you're going to rhyme every single line maybe use some more flavorful vocabulary before your English teacher cries? The idea you have is very original and that's about the only thing I like about this piece. I would throw away the rhyme scheme you're using and ditch all the be - see, way -day rhymes. Spice it up man. With work I'm sure this piece could achieve a highly appreciative level. Overall - a nice effort but a lot of work has to be done. =D ( sorry for the bash :P no hard feelings? )
Last edited by AgainsTheMirror at Feb 8, 2009,
#9
I love this line "Living in comfort,the darkest of dark those who seek light are deprived the spark". Overall it flows pretty nicely i do agree the rhyming on every line does get a bit repetitive but its only as good as you make it so if you like the rhyming keep it rhyming. With a bit of work this piece could be awesome right now id say its just good though, hopefully you can figure a bit out to change and with some sweet instrumentals behind it this song could be pretty impressive.
#10
thats to the 2 posts above me...


im trying to re write it now.. i appreciate all of the criticizing and advice!
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
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This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#11
I agree with a lot of the opinions above. Really interesting idea, with some brilliant lines. These two parts in particular: "Living in comfort,the darkest of dark / those who seek light are deprived the spark" and "If Galileo was blind and lost his way / the stars would be different in present day" really wowed me.

However, I do agree that by adhering so strictly to the rhyme scheme, you're limiting yourself with what you can say, and given some of the lines in this piece, you can clearly express yourself very impressively!

See mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18527208#post18527208
#12
Quote by el_jimbo
I agree with a lot of the opinions above. Really interesting idea, with some brilliant lines. These two parts in particular: "Living in comfort,the darkest of dark / those who seek light are deprived the spark" and "If Galileo was blind and lost his way / the stars would be different in present day" really wowed me.

However, I do agree that by adhering so strictly to the rhyme scheme, you're limiting yourself with what you can say, and given some of the lines in this piece, you can clearly express yourself very impressively!

See mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18527208#post18527208



thanks so much!

im keeping those lines you mentioned..but basically re writing the rest
Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#13
I like the concept, and the title's a real hook. Though, as others have said, the rhyme scheme's so contrived that it makes many of the lines seem really weak, awkward and cliche. Some of the syllable numbers are a bit squeezy too which wrecks your flow.

But if I can do an edit:

Blindness comes in many ways (this one's nice but PLEASE change the next)
Some stare blank with eyes of glaze
But each have the power to change today. (this line really annoys me - kind of cliche. And I'm beginning to hate that word, so if anyone can tell me another I'd really appreciate it)

If Galileo were blind where would we be?
Blind by society or eyes to see? (this one needs neatening/unscrambling)
He saw the stars in a whole new way
With this sight he changed the day.

Society cast out the (his?) open eyes,
Wanting to live in a world of lies.
Concept here good - the tunnel-visioned, Catholic society refusing to accept Galileo's 'blasphemy' as the truth - BUT the rhyming and general wording a tad forced

Hypnotized and in a daze,
People fear to change their ways -
Living in comfort, the darkest of dark,
Those who seek light are deprived the spark.

Hiding together, afraid of the unknown (too many syllables for smooth reading - perhaps 'truth' or 'new' instead)
It takes just one pioneer to step out alone.
(It takes but one clear voice to speak | What two clear eyes have seen | And the spark of change may catch and burn? Just an idea. Probably not a good one.)

If Galileo was blind and lost his way
The stars would be different(ly seen to)day

It's Time to run, time to get away,
Run from the blind, find the light of day. (I don't like these to at all - I think the piece finishes fine with the previous lines)

My favourite lines are, 'Living in comfort (etc) deprived the spark'. Also, 'Blindness comes in many ways' and the second-to-last couplet are rather good. The rest is passable, if a little sketchy. Have a fiddle with it and see what turns out.
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Last edited by miss_muso~ at Feb 9, 2009,
#14
Quote by miss_muso~
I like the concept, and the title's a real hook. Though, as others have said, the rhyme scheme's so contrived that it makes many of the lines seem really weak, awkward and cliche. Some of the syllable numbers are a bit squeezy too which wrecks your flow.

But if I can do an edit:

Blindness comes in many ways (this one's nice but PLEASE change the next)
Some stare blank with eyes of glaze
But each have the power to change today. (this line really annoys me - kind of cliche. And I'm beginning to hate that word, so if anyone can tell me another I'd really appreciate it)

If Galileo were blind where would we be?
Blind by society or eyes to see? (this one needs neatening/unscrambling)
He saw the stars in a whole new way
With this sight he changed the day.

Society cast out the (his?) open eyes,
Wanting to live in a world of lies.
Concept here good - the tunnel-visioned, Catholic society refusing to accept Galileo's 'blasphemy' as the truth - BUT the rhyming and general wording a tad forced

Hypnotized and in a daze,
People fear to change their ways -
Living in comfort, the darkest of dark,
Those who seek light are deprived the spark.

Hiding together, afraid of the unknown (too many syllables for smooth reading - perhaps 'truth' or 'new' instead)
It takes just one pioneer to step out alone.
(It takes but one clear voice to speak | What two clear eyes have seen | And the spark of change may catch and burn? Just an idea. Probably not a good one.)

If Galileo was blind and lost his way
The stars would be different(ly seen to)day

It's Time to run, time to get away,
Run from the blind, find the light of day. (I don't like these to at all - I think the piece finishes fine with the previous lines)

My favourite lines are, 'Living in comfort (etc) deprived the spark'. Also, 'Blindness comes in many ways' and the second-to-last couplet are rather good. The rest is passable, if a little sketchy. Have a fiddle with it and see what turns out.


wow! thanks so much dude!

Quote by jsbud11
Dude your leetness is maximum.
Seriously if you leave UG without becoming a mod, I will kill someone.
Quote by Devopast
This is turning into fap-to-amazingfretman's-love-a-thon
#15
dude what if we were all blind except galileo (when he was alive) that would be wierd
#16
im no expert, but i cant see anything wrong with it, seems really good
allthough i agree with what others had said about certain lines, seems gret though, and thanks for criting my work
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