#1
OTS. C4C (leave link)


Someday the skies will spit sparks
and this house will be swallowed by the soil.
And even though our fight for survival
gives us the strength to hold on
to the earth’s shiny incisors,
sharp like warmed blades,
our fingers will be cut
and our skin will be tasted
by that oozy thick tongue.

I found myself
never-endingly falling
in a hypnotic void,
leaving a trace of blood, while
trying effortlessly to grab
a greasy soft palate.

It never occurred to me
giving you a hand,
for this was my ego trip;
and something you cannot steal from me
is my selfishness and introspection.

I ended up expelled
like any other excrement
to the core of the world.
And while beholding it
with a “is that it?” on my mind,
I was concerned with the pieces I lost
during this inutile metamorphosis.

Can you see the egocentric surrealism?

It’s all about what we think and what we show;
what we show and what we want;
what we want and what we have;
what we have and what we think.

I think I’ve shown that, by volunteering,
I want, by free will, to be devoured again;
it gave me the thrill I’m unable to have.

The cycle is unclosed.

Is it cloudy again?
Last edited by seventh_angel at Feb 10, 2009,
#2
The one thing that distinctly popped into my head while reading this was that I thought the imagery was all but random.

"by that oozy think tongue."
think? thick? I read it as thick the first time around.

I like it, but don't have too much to say.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#3
you gotta work on your musicality bro. go back to using forms or something, structure will be good for your work.

this was good though. strong point, pretty well executed. worlds better than last weeks WOTW. yeah, good good piece.
#6
great imagery, wasnt tasteful imagery but it was non the less great. even more so for on the spot writing. Which is what i do 2.

honestly that's the best sort of writing.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
#7
Quote by seventh_angel

Someday the skies will spit sparks
and this house will be swallowed by the soil.
And even though our fight for survival
gives us the strength to hold on
to the earth’s shiny incisors,
sharp like warmed blades,
our fingers will be cut
and our skin will be tasted
by that oozy thick tongue.

first stanza and no complaints, you have a great sense of imagery which is brought out very well. i like extended metaphors, too, so good start overall.

I found myself
never-endingly falling "never-endingly" doesn't work - it's hard to make up words in a serious piece. change to "forever" or something.
in a hypnotic void,
leaving a trace of blood, while
trying effortlessly to grab didn't seem like "effortless" was what you were looking for, perhaps "hopelessly" would fit better"
a greasy soft palate.

weaker stanza. "hypnotic void" was slightly cliched, but the next line immediately abandoned that feeling. however, it's not strong writing to flip back and forth between that feeling all the time.

It never occurred to me
giving you a hand, "to give" instead of "giving
for this was my ego trip;
and something you cannot steal from me
is my selfishness and introspection.

much better. short and sweet. brought in an excellent edge to the whole thing. only error was the "giving" line.

I ended up expelled try "exiled" or somesuch
like any other excrement
to the core of the world.
And while beholding it
with a “is that it?” on my mind,
I was concerned with the pieces I lost
during this inutile metamorphosis. amazing; that word "inutile" says it's spelled wrong, but on further searching of the internets it was shown to be correct. props to you for having a great vocabulary, but it's a bit of a clunky word.

stanza was pretty good. slightly burdened with some areas that kinda fell flat ("beholding it" went over like a lead balloon) but overall a strong area.

Can you see the egocentric surrealism?

It’s all about what we think and what we show;
what we show and what we want;
what we want and what we have;
what we have and what we think.

good break into confusing trains of thought, but it went on for slightly too long. however, the way the piece suddenly turned with the single line above was great.

It’s a cycle.
Everything is.
Some are just meant to be an unfinished circle.

pretty painfully cliched and a bit too obvious for my tastes. maybe remove it altogether or something given the second to last line.

I think I’ve shown that, by volunteering,
I want, by free will, to be devoured again;
it gave me the thrill I’m unable to have.

The cycle is unclosed.

ha, that would sound truly wonderful if you took out the aforementioned bit and just let that single line "the cycle is closed" ring out alone.

Is it cloudy again?

the snap ending, exactly what i wanted.



overall, good feeling, but it took some serious reading to discover what it was all about. however, you showed an incredible sense of imagery and metaphor which i wish you had used more.

c4c? here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064166
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