#1
Progressive song, I will give a rough indication of the changes but not full detail.

Acoustic/sung
Mother, she lies to take
away her pain
Daughter, she cries to
hide her shame

Lock the children away,
don't let them come near
No freedom she'll find
trapped with her fear

In silence her daughter
cuts away at her skin
The blood on her arm,
Her freedom from sin

Her sacrifice is made
yet still no hope
She awakes in the dark
renounces the light


For a summers day
how bleak it was

She went away

The darkness came.


Heavy guitars/growls
Your lies inhabit the darkest lane
Your perversion of love makes her want you
Dead

Your dirge will be sung with malice
As you burn in the fire

No healing death brings
Damaged by your memory

Sung
Forever darkness burns in your soul
Your lies
Your mind creeps away from it all

Whispered
To know pain is to live


Simple piano/sung
Are the children safe at home tonight?
Mothers glazed eyes
Her thirst for misery


Heavy/growls
Your dark soul took innocence away from their mind
Your cruel deception of the truth
Leaves you blind

Never again

Never again.


Tell me what you think, I know it's not perfect but yer



"Ein Herz von flimmernden Hirngespinsten,
Ohne Halt und ohne Boden.
Feuer des Winters,
Herr der Träume,
Vater aller Türen: Öffne!"
Paysage d'Hiver - Ich schreite
#2
Quote by Jonny92
Progressive song, I will give a rough indication of the changes but not full detail.

Acoustic/sung
Mother, she lies to take
away her pain
Daughter, she cries to
hide her shame
I don't like two lame rhymes in unison. Lie, crie, pain, shame? I think you need to put a lot more effort into this part. I would get rid of this blunt rhyme scheme and use something that stands out less.

Lock the children away,
don't let them come near
No freedom she'll find
trapped with her fear
This part is a bit better than the first. I still don't like the word usage on the rhymes here. Near and fear. This scheme seems to have trapped you into writing cliches. Again I would just use a different scheme to give you more freedom to portay your original idea.

In silence her daughter
cuts away at her skin
The blood on her arm,
Her freedom from sin
Same as the first two.

Her sacrifice is made
yet still no hope
She awakes in the dark
renounces the light
Finally you ended your tyranny of rhymes. But now there is a problem with flow. She awakes in the dark - renounces the light. ( Broken English? ) maybe - She wakes in the still darkness to renounce the light.

For a summers day
how bleak it was

She went away

The darkness came.
This part works fine for the story you're trying to tell. I wouldn't change anything except maybe a bit more malicious vocabulary.

Heavy guitars/growls
Your lies inhabit the darkest lane
Your perversion of love makes her want you
Dead
Wow. This is where I actually started to like it. Absolutely love it. Good job =D.

Your dirge will be sung with malice
As you burn in the fire
First line is good but definitely change the second. maybe - As you're enveloped in hellfire.

No healing death brings
Damaged by your memory

Sung
Forever darkness burns in your soul
Your lies
Your mind creeps away from it all

Whispered
To know pain is to live


Simple piano/sung
Are the children safe at home tonight?
Mothers glazed eyes
Her thirst for misery


Heavy/growls
Your dark soul took innocence away from their mind
Your cruel deception of the truth
Leaves you blind

Never again

Never again.
The rest of this worked fine for me but feel free to add in some more menacing vocabulary to make it even more terrifying.

Overall I thought it was decent effort. It gradually got better and better. I'll be honest - I absolutely hate the beginning. So cliche. Please take my critique to heart and maybe even rewrite that whole part. 7.5 ( As of now ) 8.5 - 9.0 ( With work. ) Good Luck!!



c4c Mate??? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1062140
Thanks!!! =D!!