#1
I've never done anything like this before, I'd appreciate every crit I can get. This poem is about how I currently feel. I honestly don't know whether I like it or not, or what I want to change. That's why I need your help.

C4C

UPDATED!


I've always wanted to
end a sentence with a comma,
just to see
how many people cared,

god spilt a jigsaw in my head,
but it grew back together,
a cancerous plant
rooted in my mind,
the venomous beauty
luring me to
sleep.

is this original sin?

I've always wanted to
end my life with a coma,
just to see
how many people cared.
Last edited by michal23 at Feb 9, 2009,
#2
im not regular here, and i dont have any work so no worries on C4C..
i think its quite interesting..first bit, last bit.love it. in the middle,i think words that are slightly more "deep" could work out well. "but it grew back together, like a cancer plant" seems like a very solid idea, nice concept but it may seem a little basic in terms of word choice..maybe try some synonyms for something like grew.
coo, though..im likin it
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#3
^ Thank you very much, man, I really appreciate it. And I agree, I'll change some things in the middle around.
#5
the first two lines caught me and drew me in like they were supposed to, but the rest of it was just alright. nothing in the wording jumped out at me, and the self-absorption dominated the quality of the writing. Also, it was far, far too short for me to dig into it.

you don't have to c4c. i just clicked on this and wrote something mean that wasn't very helpful because i'm tired.
#6
Quote by michal23
I've never done anything like this before, I'd appreciate every crit I can get. This poem is about how I currently feel. I honestly don't know whether I like it or not, or what I want to change. That's why I need your help.

C4C


I've always wanted to end a sentence with a comma,
just to see how many people cared,
i like this, good start
god spilt a jigsaw in my head,
but it grew back together,
like a cancer plant,
filled with venomous beauty.
i don't like the last two lines, just aren't doing it for me
is this original sin?
this works i guess

I've always wanted to end my life with a coma,
just to see how many people cared
strong ending, def. good stuff
.


so all in all here i like how you've tied the ending and the beginning together, that is probably the best part of the piece. I'm not a big fan of what's in between, maybe you could work on that and also write more! This is great and you could really go somewhere with it if you added a bit more.

if possible I'd appreciate it if you could crit my latest, i consider it my best work yet i've got no crits yet lol
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1063457

thanks and take care- Matlock
#7
I really like this.
I like how to beginning and ending pretty much went hand-in-hand.
The part I have a problem with is "like a cancer plant, filled with venomous beauty."
I feel like it doesn't go with the rest of your composition.
But seperately, that would be a very nice line.

crit Cursed Name or Hating You Compeltes Me? (link in sig)
Thanks, and keep writing! :P
#8
beginning and middle are the best


make the middle flow better
I don't even shred
#9
Wow, I thought that you were lyrics were quite poetic and clever. Well done!

EDIT: "you were"? Gah, my brain must be really fried from hunger. That was meant to read "your".
Last edited by zephyrclaw at Feb 9, 2009,
#10
Thanks for the crits, guys, I really do appreciate this. I will rearrange and change somethings in the middle later today and update. I'll also get c4c all those who have requested
#11
I'm a fan of less words and strong endings, and you obviously have both of those. The middle stanza didn't really speak to me, like I can't really relate to it and pull stuff out of it, you know? But if I could, I'm sure I'd be calling this an amazing piece. I still really like it though, good work.
We're only strays.
#13
Thanks for the crits guys! And Vicious, I believe there is a scroll bar in the code? That's what I see, anyway...
#14
I agree with everybody else, the beginning and the ending were very very strong, but I think that the middle needs a bit of patching up. I didn't really like the cancer plant thing, but it still works if there's a meaning to it, which I don't seem to get. Good work, and congrats on that beautiful ending - I sometimes feel the same way,
#16
I'll record it if I get any music for it, but I didn't really have song lyrics in mind when writing this.