#1
whipped this up last night at 1 AM. a return to my more abstract/stream-of-consciousness stuff. bits in parentheses are unsung. C4C. leave a link.

NEW TITLE:

inspired by an argument with a Republican


meet the pounding spirit
of something more than animal
flowing up your arms
and throw it back.
(muscle move twitch weak strong)
don't tell them, show them.
all that you hate, all that is wrong
i can put right.
(freezing metal fear sweat cruelty)
how easy it is to linger...
drink the cold steel.
force it down.
(force it down)
shoot them all.
clean up the world.
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Apr 12, 2009,
#3
Quote by RPExecutor
whipped this up last night at 1 AM. a return to my more abstract/stream-of-consciousness stuff. inspired by an argument with a Republican.

bits in parentheses are unsung. C4C. leave a link.

meet the pounding spirit
of something more than animal
I'd change the word 'animal', didn't really like it.
flowing up your arms
and throw it back.
(muscle move twitch weak strong)
This line was fantastic.
don't tell them, show them.
all that you hate, all that is wrong
i can put right.
just pull the ****in' trigger.
Swearing/cursing makes this look pathetic. Use powerful words and metaphors to convey what you feel, as swearing really doesn't work.
(cold iron fear sweat cruelty)
This line was also awesome.
how easy it is to linger...
drink the cold steel.
force it down.
I'd add a 'to' to the start of this line.
(force it down)
shoot them all.
clean up the world.
The rest of this was also great!



I really enjoyed this. I love lyrics like this, reminds me of something bands like Riverside, Anathema, Porcupine Tree etc. would do. This was really decent, as you can see I only had a few minor criticisms.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064529

#4
I like abstract stuff and that's definately it. For some reason I don't like the words animal, cold steel, trigger, ****ing, and throw, reminds me too much of 3 Days Grace or some cruddy alt metal band, but i really like the last 6 lines. I think you should change the title to "inspired by an argurment with a Republican" haha.
#5
^ yes. edited. good idea.

and i took out the "****in' trigger" line. suggestions followed.
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Apr 11, 2009,