#1
from the notebook. any thoughts would be loved.


Belief is Growing

I spent the night in The Village
in her aunt's studio apartment
down the street from the Chelsea hotel
I couldn't get Cohen out of my head
on her chest, wine sip, nipple jest
three empty bottles of Captain Wally's Cabernet.

watch the laugh the breast rise
the breath released just
cause and effect.

A true lover loves the defects,
right? she's caught them all like
mouth too large breasts too small
tummy too round stomach too skinny
parents' hands bit her until her arms lay limp
and the floor let her sleep shivering
-and she was let be


swirl the glass,
touch her shirt, wool, cotton,
"who would create cotton
but God, the God that is
the snow outside the air inside,
water in the tap, hand on my leg,
God you can see, see?
put us here just to be
just to be? her mouth has gotten small
like a hose nozzle.
Just to be, you see him
when you sit in pizza or coffee shops
and watch people pass the window
when you take your cousin to the petting zoo
you can feel him the goat fur
the forest pineneedle smell
as it waits for the fire."

I'm wearing a suit jacket
whose buttons you undo
I'm donning a naked skin
whose lines are traced by you
your fingers love their red polish
and I already feel the desperate pull
so soon? of missing something
happening in my chemicals--
warmth-- irreversible irrational
warmth, who are you?
who do you think I am?


and then the lamp flickered off
with the twitch of my fingers
our bellies swirled the world
we felt on my neck
on your breast
on my thigh and
your back
each kiss left a mark a dot
that grew and it grew
absolute lights in the
night I whispered
to the air, your ear
too far away to listen
or care I'll never be a love poet
but at least I feel
cause and effect I think
therefore I am, I be
therefore I see, I touch
and I leave God, you kiss
and you see God in my skin.


The ghosts gossip about us
in the shadows of the winter
"isnt it a pity, they say,
that they're still alive
when they wake up in the morning
they will arrive, and deliver
eachother into truth of traffic
and bad economy, bad friendships
and expectations of what love is supposed to
be."


Her head on my chest
cause and effect
I met her tonight
I said yes tonight
our own warmth

we drink tonight
we kiss tonight

we kiss tonight
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 8, 2009,
#2
Okay, this will be brief but hopefully I'll find time to come back to it tomorrow to nitpick. I thought this was much better than the last piece I read of yours. I felt the beginning and ending were strong but some of the content in the middle didn't appeal to me quite as much. I'll definitely have to try and nitpick so I can feel like I'm doing something with this crit. Overall it was an enjoyable read.
#3
This is marvelous. I'll just note the few things I didn't like.

The first stanza made it start kind of slow, imo, and it doesn0t really flow in my head, or at least comparing it to the rest of the piece.

"put us here just to be
just to be? her mouth has gotten small" - I don't like the repetition of just to be. It doesn't sound right and it breaks the flow.

"The ghosts gossip about us
in the shadows of the winter
"isnt it a pity, they say,
that they're still alive
when they wake up in the morning
they will arrive, and deliver
eachother into truth of traffic
and bad economy, bad friendships
and expectations of what love is supposed to
be." - The line breaks need some work in this stanza.

That's everything I can nitpick, which is hard in such a nice piece.
#4
The opening lines that set the setting were a bit familiar. It seemed to lose direction about halfway through, slightly regaining it with the second to last stanza (which was VERY good). Good imagery that is definitely consistent and immerses the reader.

I think with some careful revision and lots of pruning (too many words for my taste) this could go from good to exceptional.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18544584#post18544584
We're only strays.
#5
thanks you guys. yeah, just a piece about a night over the weekend, written on a train going back to college. not meant to wow, just to be here and be read. shrug.

thanks again.