#1
c4c. Thanks


With frantic hands waving
Shouting silent commands,
I wondered how it came to be.
I knew what was what early on,
to always be looking ahead and
only glance over your shoulders but
I think when I first met my sub half
who was always there, lurking in the back
I was stoned, drunk and overly impressed
at how he never wasted anything
always did what he pleased and
acted on his own logical reasoning,
so when he asked to take the wheel
A light bulb went off and must have blew
as I willingly sawed off my legs and
cemented myself in my passengers seat.
Only after years of window gazing
did I realize I gave my keys to the half
who's a deaf and drunken insomniatic failed mad scientist.
Every so often he'll notice my flailing hands
to have the realization that he is not alone,
It's these rare moments that feed my hope
that he may sieze his forgotten realization,
but after a second of bewildered thought
he gives up trying to understand,
and throws it from overdrive to furtherdrive.
I guess it is my own fault but,
why is there a passengers seat
firmly bolted to the floor of my mind anyway?
Last edited by mindtrek at Feb 17, 2009,
#2
Quote by mindtrek

With frantic hands waving
Shouting silent commands, i'm a sucker for oxymorons, good start
I wondered how it came to be.
I knew what was what early on,
to always be looking ahead
only glance over your shoulders
and to let those who need to know
know where you're heading. that was pretty confusing, consider a rewrite up there. also, some lines were too overdone. easy fixes, though
I think when I first met my sub half
I was stoned, drunk and overly impressed
at how he never wasted anything
always did what he pleased and
acted on his own logical reasoning, excellent
so when he asked to take the wheel
A light bulb went off and must have blew
as I willingly sawed off my legs and
cemented myself in the passengers seat. great metaphors, maybe a bit more work with a thesaurus for more interesting words, but no complaints
Only after years of window gazing
did I realize I gave my keys to the half
who's a drunken insomniatic deaf failed mad scientist. i love snap turning points, this hooked me
Every so often he'll notice my flailing hands
to have the realization that he is not alone,
It's these rare moments that give me hope
that he may realize his forgotten realization use something other than "realize" for the last few lines and that's a good one
but after a second of bewildered like thought
he gives up trying to understand and gases hard. confusing, i'd rewrite this line
I guess it is my own fault but,
why is there a passengers seat
bolted to the floor of my mind anyway? aha, the snap ending, exactly what i needed


overall (which is possibly the most important aspect for a piece of this length) this was excellent: piecing the ideas together was not a problem and the small effort it took to actually read it didn't detract from the idea itself.

ways to improve? spend some time learning some interesting synonyms, search for more metaphors. the ones you used were great but i felt like it was an effort to put them in.

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064166 would be appreciated
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Feb 9, 2009,
#3
I liked this quite a bit. Good job of staying on track and pulling a full, satisfying piece out of one analogy. I personally think the ending line could have been a little bit better. I wouldn't have one it in question form.

Really not much else to add other than that. Good piece.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18544584#post18544584
We're only strays.
#4
i liked that in a strange way.

dunno, i imagined too gay lovers for some reason, i don't know if that is bad to you, sorry.
Well, i can see it happening.
Like you know, my life on the wheel, but someone else has taken over.
congrats.
I can see it being a monologue on some theatrical play, or a movie.

Mine's called "Who are you", still at the front page
Every form of control over another person is a crime

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