#1
I'm thinking about submitting this as a column on UG, lol, its an utterly absurd story that I wrote for my creative writing class a couple years ago... I just found it and it made me lol.

Heres the first chapter. Critiques welcome.

Fools Never Die! - An Epic Tale

Chapter I

The tavern door swung open with such a force that its wooden frame splintered within an instant. A tall and ominous figure strolled into the foyer, a smirk on his face. He carried a large object on his back. Obviously he was pleased with the damage he had done.

“What do you want douche-bag?” inquired the bartender.

“I want a ****ing drink you fat bastard!” spat the tall man back in his face.

“Well fine then but you’re paying double for the ****ing door you smashed!”

The tall figure reached backwards and grabbed the large object mounted on his back, and swung it forward, brandishing it in plain view. It was a guitar.

“Don’t make me ****ing bash your head in man!” the man threatened. “I want some vodka! Now man!”

The bartender recoiled in fear; he would rather not have the body of the guitar lodged in his skull. In silence he poured the man his drink and handed it to him without incident.

“Thank you very much barkeep!”

The bartender didn’t dare to say anything more.

The tall man took a seat at the bar, replacing the guitar onto his back. He downed the vodka quickly, obviously not one to savor the taste. Suddenly he shouted, “Hey bastards! Has anyone seen any ****ing mafia bitches around these parts? I wanna fight those sons of bitches and put them in their place! Goddamnit I hate them, man!”

Everyone in the tavern stared at him, utterly confused. Eventually one man; an oriental wearing a thick leather jacket, came up to the bar and took the seat next to the angry man.

“What’s your name?”

“It’s Jani, why the **** do you care asshole?” the tall man barked.

“I think it best that you leave this city. The AZN Mafia has eyes and ears everywhere in these parts, and if they catch wind of you threatening them, they’ll kill you real quick.”

Jani swung his head and his long red-blond hair smashed into the stranger’s face. “**** you! I don’t need strangers telling me what to do!”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Now I can’t let you leave here alive…”

The oriental reached inside his leather coat and pulled out a magnum and with great precision took aim at Jani’s head within a faction of a second. He pulled the trigger. Everyone in the tavern simply stared in horror as the whole scene took place. They all expected Jani to drop dead to the ground…

That would have happened, had Jani not dodged the bullet within a microsecond of it colliding with his forehead. With the agility of a wolf Jani dropped downwards towards the ground, and swung his legs knocking the bar stool out from under his assailant. The oriental fell backwards onto the hard concrete floor, stunned.

“…You’re such a fool!” shouted the oriental.

“Fools never die!”

Jani reached back and grabbed his guitar. Instead of bashing his opponent’s head in at first, Jani shredded a fast riff of thirty-second notes, the multi-tonal sound waves echoed with such force that the oriental flew backwards twenty feet and crashed into the wall. There was a cracking sound as he made impact.

Jani checked the man’s pulse, but there was nothing.

“Yeah man! Take that!” Jani shouted at the corpse’s face. Jani rummaged through the oriental’s leather jacket; he wanted compensation for his efforts. Eventually he stumbled upon his wallet, and was delighted to find a large sum of cash as well as a membership card for the AZN Mafia. He discretely pocketed the plunder, and returned to his seat at the bar.

By this time, everyone had gotten over the violence that had just taken place; they were used to it by now. Death had become way of life ever since the city had been virtually occupied by the AZN Mafia; they were rather cruel overlords.

“You still owe me for the door you smashed in.” informed the bartender.

“Screw you man!” barked Jani, holding his bare fist out above the bartender’s face.

“… I-I j-just wanted to fix the d-damages!” The bartender was now cowering.

Jani just stood there laughing; he knew he could get whatever he wanted from the bartender now. “I’ll tell you what old man, if you can tell me where the mafia is hiding out I’ll give you the cash to replace the door, and I’ll even give you a generous tip!”

Jani and the bartender stared at each other squarely in the eyes for a while, but eventually the old man capitulated.

“I have heard rumors, that the old martial arts dojo in the Chinatown district is their cover.”

“Are you certain?”

“I hear a lot of things… but it’s just a rumor anyway.”

“Fair enough. Here.”

Jani now spoke in such a calm and sophisticated manner compared to when he entered the tavern that the bartender was taken aback and took the bundle of cash Jani handed him rather cautiously.

“Ciao barkeep!” Jani shouted as he strolled back out the empty space where the tavern door had been.