#1
this is just some silly song i wrote 'bout some girl, don't really know if it is of any lyrical value. crits apreciated
Who are you?

She’s like the wind you know.
Yes everything freezes when she passes
But not the way you’d expect

She’s like watching a live show
She’s the opium of the masses
So warm and then so wet

As the hair beautifully hides
Half of the face and her desire
I couldn’t wish more than a fire
Near the sore, just to admire

And when the fire leaves the sore
I found it resting in her eyes
So elegant and yet so posh
But deep inside I know she dies

She’s like a child in a field
All too released from every need
Full of calm and full of speed

She’s not the way you expect
An eighteen year old to be
Sometimes I think she is too much
I think she is too much for me
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

RED MILITIA-Vamos a Vencer
#2
Quote by KenMasters
this is just some silly song i wrote 'bout some girl, don't really know if it is of any lyrical value. crits apreciated
Who are you?

She’s like the wind you know.
Yes everything freezes when she passes
But not the way you’d expect
This was decent. I'd replace the last line with something more subtle, that hints that it's not the way I'd expect, but doesn't go far enough to explicitly say that.

She’s like watching a live show
She’s the opium of the masses
So warm and then so wet
Again, it's the last line I don't like. I'm not sure why, I think it's down to personal preference/taste. Otherwise, solid verse.

As the hair beautifully hides
Half of the face and her desire
I couldn’t wish more than a fire
Near the sore, just to admire
This was fantastic, except for the third line. Rhyming 'Fire' with 'Desire' is waaaaay too cliche. Also, I didn't particularly understand or like "Near the sore".

And when the fire leaves the sore
I found it resting in her eyes
So elegant and yet so posh
But deep inside I know she dies
This was good, other than the word posh. I'd change it.

She’s like a child in a field
All too released from every need
Full of calm and full of speed
This was fantastic, keep it as it is!

She’s not the way you expect
An eighteen year old to be
Sometimes I think she is too much
I think she is too much for me
I didn't really like this. A way too mediocre ending for an otherwise great piece!


This is one of the few lyrics about love or a girl that I've enjoyed in ages! I congratulate you on that

c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18532999