#1
Syllables sing softly through his Caribbean lips,
emphasis shining strong though each fingertip
as it wails through the thick and thoughtful air
of the child infested auditorium.

The man is standing there, with open ears
bursting his blistering breath to present an assonistic pitch.

This man
knows something.

He speaks to me in sweet poetry
from lips rough with bastard wisdom;
kingdoms and their mighty armies
hide behind consonant and vowel sounds

and I repeat each phonetically fine phrase
with whispered lisps as stuttered
sympathetic symphonies.

Finally, I elate from a coffee cup chair
and descend on simple street life,
with a whole new set
of rhymes.

This man
knows
something.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Feb 10, 2009,
#2
i want to get to this
dont rely on it.

i read, i enjoyed.

is this for that competition thing you mentioned in the community thread?
#3
No, this is just a piece about my day. I'll choose something I've already written for that
No worries, cheers.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Syllables sing softly through his Caribbean lips,
emphasis shining strong though each fingertip
as it wails through the thick and thoughtful air
of the child infested auditorium.

This is auditory delight. All of this jst rolls beautifully off your tongue, very musical. Great start.

A man who talks in pure poetic verse is standing there, with open ears
bursting his blistering breath to present an assonistic pitch.

To be honest, I didn't like one word in this stanza. You start off too blunt, then try to fix it with images. Either dump this completely, or keep it in the same tone as the first stanza. The tone shift is far too abrupt.

This man
knows something.

No complaints

He speaks to me in sweet poetry
from lips rough with bastard wisdom;
kingdoms and their mighty armies
entailed in nursery rhyme like snippets
of pure information

Last line was a let down, everything else very good.

and I repeat each phonetically fine phrase
with whispered lisps as stuttered sympathetic symphonies.

Jesus, you do love your tongue twisters, don't you? "Stuttered sympathetic symphonies" Genius

Finally, I elate from a coffee cup chair
and descend on simple street life,
with a whole new set
of rhymes.

This man
knows
something.

Great way to finish, ties it together well.


I do enjoy this, i just feel it needs work. You know what I think anyway, Kartherine. Hope I was a bit of help.
#5
"with whispered lisps as stuttered sympathetic symphonies."
- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................ trying too hard? I know that suits the piece and the theme, but it just doesn't quite work in my mind.
Everything else was an absolute joy to read. It bordered on prententiousness, but it stayed quite still and didn't falter too drastically.
I really enjoyed seeing how the diction and voice coincided with the many different options to the storyline.
The characters were very well displayed and showed ambiguity gloriously.
Excellent work, Katherine.
Thanks for getting to mine. I might delete it and post it in Freepost.
#6
Changed/needs changing.
Thank you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Syllables sing softly through his Caribbean lips,
Though this is a strong opening image, the alliteration stumbled. To make it smooth I'd give 'syllables softly singing' a try.
emphasis shining strong though each fingertip
Same problem here, only in this case it's not much of a problem. I would normally suggest changing strong to strongly, but as is now it slows the piece down comfortably and helps control it, so I'm content with it. Do please change 'each' to 'every' though.
as it wails through the thick and thoughtful air
of the child infested auditorium.

The man is standing there, with open ears
bursting his blistering breath to present an assonistic pitch.

This man
knows something.
Since you want the focus to be on his knowledge, not the man himself, the line break didn't really help here.

He speaks to me in sweet poetry
from lips rough with bastard wisdom;
Syllable count is good, seemed too jumbled though to read comfortably.
kingdoms and their mighty armies
hide behind consonant and vowel sounds

and I repeat each phonetically fine phrase
with whispered lisps as stuttered
sympathetic symphonies.

Finally, I elate from a coffee cup chair
and descend on simple street life,
with a whole new set
of rhymes.

This man
knows
something.



Solid piece. I wanted to at least get to the fine tuning here, but if I have time I'll come back and give some thoughts content-wise. It left a good first impression.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
Syllables sing softly through his Caribbean lips,
emphasis shining strong though each fingertip
i love the sonics of repeated consonants,
but there is waaaay to much sibilance going on here.

as it wails through the thick and thoughtful air
of the child infested auditorium.

The man is standing there, with open ears
bursting his blistering breath to present an assonistic pitch.
assonistic? meh.

This man
knows something.

He speaks to me in sweet poetry
from lips rough with bastard wisdom;
get rid of bastard. it's fugly. too fugly.
worldly might be a tad light, but better that than fugly.

kingdoms and their mighty armies
hide behind consonant and vowel sounds

and I repeat each phonetically fine phrase
with whispered lisps as stuttered
sympathetic symphonies.

Finally, I elate from a coffee cup chair
elate feels odd, used that way.
and descend on simple street life,
with a whole new set
of rhymes.

This man
knows
something.

This is a clever piece. A bit too clever, in places. Tame the beast, slightly.

Meadows
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#9
Just in a brief response to SYK,
the bastard line was my favourite one.
such a conflicting image but it really sticks.

the rest was too pretentious for my liking.
the assonance was too forced, and the wordy words were too wordy.
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#10
Thank you I'll edit & pay back.
Sorry you thought it was pretentious, snowblind.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I reckon the force behind the assonance and words were intentional and important. Just my opinion.
Also, the "bastard" line was stunning. The best bit.