#1
I was in a horrible mood when I wrote this.

put forth energy, recieve the blow.
end your life facedown in your own.
bring your act on the road.
drama insues, caught in the middle.
fuck you.

these promises broken.
these feelings shot.
the only thing i want from you.
is you to get the fuck away from me.
dont touch my arm.

i pulled away.
you stepped closer.
'whats wrong' is an inevitable response.
'you' spoke the foul man.

embellishing nothing makes nothing look better.
embellishing you turns you into a whore.
keep moving around.
the world stopped for you.
we all care; we should care more.

ill help, take your fucking fingers.
break them off, you use them to a disadvantage.
i hope they feel proud of you now.
they left you.
turn them off.

c4c, thx.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Feb 9, 2009,
#3
Well, it can't hurt to crit another one can it? I can tell you were in a pretty horrible mood when you wrote this. In my head I hear the words almost being spat out as I'm reading them. Now for the actual crit:
As a whole, I read this a couple times and still had difficulty piecing together a story to make sense of this. I dunno, I guess I like to know exactly what's going on, so stuff I can't really wrap my brain around bothers me. In the line "is you to get the **** away from me", the "you" seems redundant, since you already said that you were speaking to "you" in the line right above. I think that it actually flows better without it as well. That's really the only thing that jumped out at me. It's generally pretty good, I liked the liked the third stanza the best. I liked the last line of the fourth stanza too. If you feel like critiquing something else in my sig go for it. Don't worry too much about it though. Thanks for the crit on Following Evangeline
#4
Quote by theoneandonlyq
Well, it can't hurt to crit another one can it? I can tell you were in a pretty horrible mood when you wrote this. In my head I hear the words almost being spat out as I'm reading them. Now for the actual crit:
As a whole, I read this a couple times and still had difficulty piecing together a story to make sense of this. I dunno, I guess I like to know exactly what's going on, so stuff I can't really wrap my brain around bothers me. In the line "is you to get the **** away from me", the "you" seems redundant, since you already said that you were speaking to "you" in the line right above. I think that it actually flows better without it as well. That's really the only thing that jumped out at me. It's generally pretty good, I liked the liked the third stanza the best. I liked the last line of the fourth stanza too. If you feel like critiquing something else in my sig go for it. Don't worry too much about it though. Thanks for the crit on Following Evangeline


Yeah, the 'you' does seem pretty silly.

I'll try and crit some of your stuff. I don't have time now, but I'll get to it. Thanks bro.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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