#1
still in a comp; but it fits my mood and snow is quickly fading into memory. c4c, leave a link



For years,
I've watched little girls press
tiny pink noses against icy panes.
Elated squeals tickling their lips;
as they watched snowflakes skip down and
greet the grass.

Every hazel eye;
opening up to pine-needle lashes
that dance to the music
of the northern winds...
and filled with visions of
snow-angels holding hands.
The one she made with the one
her crush made.

Those tiny lips;
poking out from underneath a toboggan
that's two sizes too big,
as they find warmth against two
other lips that are
trembling, trembling.

I once asked a little girl why she
always danced when it snowed.
"Can't you feel it? It's different when it snows.
Everybody finds what they want when it snows."

But,
I've never found love in the snow.
#2
Wow, I thought this was pretty damn good. I'm not really sure what to say, seeing as I don't know a whole lot about writing lyrics so far, but when I read it I could get a clear picture in my mind of someone just watching the person they love with someone else, having a ton of fun in the snow. I really liked it though, hopefully someone who is more knowledgeable will give you some better information.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
still in a comp; but it fits my mood and snow is quickly fading into memory. c4c, leave a link



I've never found love in the snow.

For years,
I've watched little girls press
tiny pink noses against icy panes.
Elated squeals tickling their lips;
This was awesome!
as they watched snowflakes skip down and
say hello to the grass.
Perhaps "Greet the grass" would be better? Just a thought.

Every brown eye;
opening up to pine-needle lashes
that dance to the music
of the northern winds...
Beautiful. Simple as.
and filled with visions of
snow-angels holding hands.
The one she made with the one
her crush made.
Last two lines didn't do it to me, I'd change them to something that fits the rest of the atmosphere set up, rather than elaborating on the introduction of the snow angels.

Those tiny lips;
poking out from underneath a toboggan
that's two sizes too big,
as they find warmth against two
other lips that are
trembling, trembling.
This was also great, no problems.

I once asked a little girl why she
always danced when it snowed.
"Can't you feel it? It's different when it snows.
Everybody finds what they want when it snows."

But,
I've never found love in the snow.
Ending was amazing!


The message of the poem and the way it is presented is wonderfully done. Other than what I've highlighted, I really think this should stay as it is. Very well done, good job!

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064529
#4
For years,
I've watched little girls press
tiny pink noses against icy panes.
Elated squeals tickling their lips;
as they watched snowflakes skip down and
say hello to the grass.

Captivated thus far.

Every brown eye;
opening up to pine-needle lashes
that dance to the music
of the northern winds...
and filled with visions of
snow-angels holding hands.
The one she made with the one
her crush made.

This is all great, but I might change brown eye to blue eye(unless there's some significance to brown). Or, I'm the only one childish enough to think of that.

Those tiny lips;
poking out from underneath a toboggan
that's two sizes too big,
as they find warmth against two
other lips that are
trembling, trembling.

Swell.

I once asked a little girl why she
always danced when it snowed.
"Can't you feel it? It's different when it snows.
Everybody finds what they want when it snows."

This is okay, I don't like it as I do the rest, though.


But,
I've never found love in the snow.

I'm not sure about the ending. Though I'm not sure I could offer any other suggestions, either. I liked it regardless.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1065086
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 10, 2009,
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
still in a comp; but it fits my mood and snow is quickly fading into memory. c4c, leave a link



I've never found love in the snow.

For years,
I've watched little girls press
tiny pink noses against icy panes.
Elated squeals tickling their lips;
as they watched snowflakes skip down and
say hello to the grass.

Love the imagery. Really like it.

Every brown eye;
opening up to pine-needle lashes
that dance to the music
of the northern winds...
and filled with visions of
snow-angels holding hands.
The one she made with the one
her crush made.

I might just be drawing a blank, but I don't know where you're going with the whole eye/pine-needle lashes bit.
Don't really like the repetition of "the one made" in the last two lines. Kind of throws me off. Other than that, really like.


Those tiny lips;
poking out from underneath a toboggan
that's two sizes too big,
as they find warmth against two
other lips that are
trembling, trembling.

I like this stanza, especially the last three lines.

I once asked a little girl why she
always danced when it snowed.
"Can't you feel it? It's different when it snows.
Everybody finds what they want when it snows."

But,
I've never found love in the snow.

I think this last stanza would sound great. I don't really get a feeling with what the girl is saying, but it ties in with the last line, so it's alright. Maybe find something different to say?



Other than what I posted, I really liked it. It had great imagery, great word choice.

If you could, my first lyrics(posted): https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1065027
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#6
"The one she made with the one
her crush made."


As has been said, needs to be reworded.

I also think that
"I've never found love in the snow."
(First time, first line)
should be dropped.
It sets a dull (not boring, more sad; lonely) tone, instantly contrasted to the next three stanzas. I also feel it takes some away from the ending, as you think "I've read that before", it just looses some.

Doing that then makes it into this developing movement which i feel reflects people's attitudes towards the snow (not just the child/adult confliction) [at least, here in england].

I like it, how the energy is structured.

or something.

dear lord im **** at posting now
#7
I feel the whole piece is centralized on the imagery of "snow" and I can't see it's relevance. I thought your writing was quite elegant and nice, but I failed to grasp what was going on.
Then again, I love your last verse so much, I feel that I need to think of this in the way that I want, not what you intended. It's too open for me to care what you are really saying. Behind the metaphor of snow, there is something, but I don't see it. And because of that, I can't really enjoy this to its fullest degree.
But I still thought it was good writing. It was different from your normal style and different in other areas - even according to other writers.
Sorry for my haphazard crit.
#8
Thanks kids. I'm gonna get to a few return crits now.

Also; I love the idea of the snow angels holding hands thing; but I dunno how to say it. Any ideas would be appreciated.


EDIT: whoever made the comment about "brown." The idea was to paint a picture of a pine tree with her eyes... as they are associated with winter... and the color of the eyes was serving as the base of the tree. Never thought of the other meaning... consider it changed.