#1
I wish I could tell you these things on my mind
But then they just get more complicated every time
I wish I could just go up to you and let you know
But things would be better if I just let them go

I wish I could be the one for you
I'd do everything you want me to do
But these things they are much to late now
I just gotta move on even though I don't really know how

Cause you're going to Portland
You're going to Portland in the fall
You're going to Portland
You're going to Portland in the fall

But then again, will I regret these things I don't do
I could risk friendship, for being in love with you

(little instrumental thingy here)

You're going to Portland
You're going to Portland in the fall
you're going to Portland
you're going to Portland in the fall


It's pretty cliche I know. But I'm still kinda new to writing lyrics.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
Last edited by IMABBALLPLAYER at Feb 10, 2009,
#2
Your chorus is intolerable. So boring and plain. 4 lines of repeating the same god-damned idea. Stretch out a bit; explore your ability to paint something.

You don't need to write a song like a novel. I don't need you to tell me every bit of the story. Paint a picture. As the saying goes, "show me, don't tell me." You want to take your writing to the next level? INvest time into learning to paint a picture with words; instead of narrating a scene. Why is this person who's going to portland important? Why do you love this person? Why is portland such a big deal? You can sum up all of these by painting a scene instead of narrating an event. Create a world we can immerse ourselves in. Don't be Nickelback. They tell a story in the most boring ways ever, "Then she jumped into my truck and I hit the gas and her daddy's screamin'... blah blah fuckity blah."

I felt nothing at the end of this. And I should have felt for you. I should have sympathized. But I didn't; because none of htis was believable. You didn't give me enough details or a scene or a character to care about. Your narrator was emotionless (when the tone should have been desperate). Choose your words more carefully to really convey a sense of desperation. learn to control tone (it will come wiht practice) to match the scene at hand. I should have been reading this at a rapid pace, almost out of breath by the end because you should have been leading me along to feel just as heartbroken and desperate as you do. Instead, I got to the end and shrugged.

All this will come in time; until then... I'd recommend you stick to things you can control easier. Take time and practice writing "still frames" of scenes. Like watching friends smoke outside a bar... just describe it in the most poetic way you can; without "telling me." Talk about smoke trails, talk about notches in the bricks behind your friends, etc... just learn to make images. Once you've gotten comfortable with that and controlling a narrator to create a mood behind the piece... you can tackle things that are "more real" to you and do them much more justice.

c4c on snow demons if you could. Link in sig.

Thanks,

-zC
#3
Hey thanks. I really like the criticism, and the help. I'll definitely try to employ some of those techniques.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.