#1
Oh, I've yet to curse this 'round
to the hungry mass, of gathered
reigns, leathery strung touches
bunched like coiling springs through
the kisst of my palm. To me, I've
things of the hour, "Hmmm."
Haven't we known ourselves?
This hour, I repeated, like
the minute clings to the second,
like I cling to us, faraway creature
bring to me.

And so...you,
you,
you've put so much fear into me,
being a man of consequence;
I've reacted with these natural
things, taking in the lust of leisure,
painting these knuckles with the blood
of other men's security, it is in these hands
that have taken so often, for so little and less
than enough, in these fingers, I've gathered
more than plenty and I've grafted it to my chest
like ornaments
a thing of awkward condolences,
we're trapped.
We're trapped.
No, no, no.

and the ground is sat upon, our words
spoke between fluttering tongues
love/love/love/love/love/love/love.
It's not familar anymore. These letters,
the form that it makes the word that it
creates, it is an alien thing. I see these
and I don't understand it, I don't know
how to pronounce it, I see each letter as
a seperate entity, four completely
different sounds each with their own meanings
and points, and images, and them together
it means nothing now, repeating
and repeating
and typing
and reading
and repeating.
Keep reading...

love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love ,love, lvoe, love, love ,lloeve, lovel, llve, love, love,l ve, lovel, love, love, love, love, lovel, love, lovel, lovel, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, ,lveo, love, ,love, love, love, love, ,olve, love, love, love, love, lveo, love, love, lovem, ,ovel ,love, love, love, love, lovem, love, love, love, love, ,ovel ,lovem, love, love, ,love, love, lovem lovem love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, ,love, love, LOVE

"What are you..., dearest of all emotions? The
most fearful of all things? Or the most frightening
monster I've ever known? What are you, meaning
of life, this humble animal that has spoken so little
and said so much about who we are, what we do, where
we are going? Who are you, are you the girl that
lives so far away? The girl that hurt me so long ago?
The girl I've yet to know..Are you the words from my
mouth, or the lack of light on a screen, the symbols
in my head, or the visions I see when I sleep? Are you god,
or something less than that? Are you what I see when
I look in the mirror at my handsome face, and my pretty
white teeth? Are you the sounds of piano, harps and violins?
Are you dead?
Did you ever live?
When?
How?
Did I ever meet you?
Did we wave at each other?
Did I paint you once?
Did I write you...?
Have I seen you from afar, wished I were with you instead?
Are you a trap?
Were you ever scared of never going anywhere?
Were you ever so lost you couldn't help but smile at
the cookie crumbled mess you left behind?
Please, let me know, please, please please,
I'm begging you, whoever you are, whatever you are,
let me know what this is,
who you are. Why this exists, these things
I feel, when I stare blankly at the base of my bed,
the crick in my neck when I see her smile,
or the churning I get in my gut when I hear
her voice in my head. Is it love? Is it less than that?
Are we less than this?
Please, I'm begging you, I'm begging you.
Let me know, I won't tell
a single soul."
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
initial impression, i greatly enjoyed everything except for the last stanza. I'll come back and do this properly.
#3
this isn't the sort of piece I think should be line by line critiqued, so I won't. will just say it is official, in that it is real and means something. the last stanza is definitely the strongest in directness.. the others had very cool language here and there and painted a more abstract picture. leathery strung touches
bunched like coiling springs
is my favorite. used words to effect in repeating word love, which is cool in it's own way, and it adds something too. I mean, yeah this is good, but it hits me more intellectually than viscerally, for the most part, because 'love' is seemingly the subject, very directly, and I would rather read about going to the red light district in Frankfurt and throwing around 30 Euros, seeing what you can get for a fifty, than love to be honest. But then again, most people aren't like me and like the sort of innocence that writing about love is. But then again, it is what we all want, it is the meaning of life, basically. But, in writing about life (a potentially horribly boring subject), one's also immediately reminded about death. And I think Love and death are almost the same thing. hmm.. Sorry for the rambling.

I think that the bold 'these' should be unbold and say 'my', that's maybe a bit more humble. But the writing is very strong, and if it's looked at as practice, there's a strong writer in there somewhere.

Is the title a pun on 'braggart' and 'beggar'?

A pretty good read everything else aside on it's face. I thought that it deserved more than just two lines of lifeless critique, but it was hard to talk about anything specific. I really liked:
Are you what I see when
I look in the mirror at my handsome face, and my pretty
white teeth?

partially because my teeth aren't the whitest these'm days and even though it's about me, I can tell myself that it's not
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 10, 2009,
#4
thank you so much, i tried to some how make the inner workings of my rambling mind somewhat poetic.

and yeah the title is a combo/pun of those words
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Feb 10, 2009,
#5
I think you've encapsulated personality brilliantly in this piece. It's like a brain biopsy, except more exciting and in the end more fulfilling. I just feel the last stanza got a bit too rambly and a bit weak at points, when you had created such a great tone in the rest of the piece.
#9
dont know how i missed this before. the last stanza was different from the rest, but still good in its own way. it didn't seem like something you would usually write. the quotation marks sort of take care of that. i like the way it captures the character. the desperation, confusion, etc. good job with that.
not so much to say about this, really. i enjoyed it. your writing is very solid and it seems pointless to do a line by line crit. so yeah, good stuff.
#10
Someone said a few posts up that it hit them more intellectually but I feel it's the other way around. It starts to gradually flow into a more visceral piece with words forming shapes and feelings and patterns which resonate, kind of like you started painting and then halfway through it you made large strokes with the brush. I mean all that in a good way.
Poor advice.