#1
So here's a new one. Everyone I've showed it to so far (My girlfriend, Zach and Katherine) have all liked it, so i figured i'd throw it out to all you wonderful people out there. Dodgy demo in my profile, proper version will be up within three days. c4c bitches

Cowboys, Indians and Jesus

well, I can tell from the lack of holes in your feet
that you still ain’t seen Jesus
But, you know, he’s been bumming around this place for years.
I saw him in the diner just last Saturday night,
he had a girl on each arm and a vodka martini
perched lightly on his hand.
I said, “Sir, you’re gonna have to tell my why it rains
Each night when I dream about her, you know, it’s driving me insane.”
He said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry but there’s little I can do,
Tonight I’ll be passed out drunk again, that’s what I suggest for you.”

And the cowboys parade for hours
up this old and barren street
chasing imaginary Indians
through the rain and through the sleet
that falls like, candy from the heavens
sheet after sheet after sheet and I can’t see anything,
and I don’t feel anything anymore.

She said “I love him cause he never makes me feel,”
I said, “I love you cause you lift me up,”
She said, “I can’t feel,
I, I don’t feel anything at all,
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,
I can’t feel anything at all,
And all these f ucked up little monkeys run away.”

chorus

I watched a child walk down in Mexico
He hitched a train ride past where I’ll ever go
and as he waved down from the window, I saw Jesus smiling,
He was swigging down a whiskey as he waved his cares goodbye.
And I’m drowning, I’m drowning in a sea of opportunity
I’m drowning in a sea of pain
She said “I’d fly away if only my wings would spread themselves,”
I said, “I’d carry you up the mountains if I could, if I could.”

chorus
Last edited by kdownes at Feb 10, 2009,
#4
counting crows references?

i'll try to get to it maybe possibly. I been busy and dizzy lately.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
This was amazing man.
The detail in each line was ridiculous .
Probably ym favorite ive ever read on the site. Hopefully the music is good for it too

Really good job
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#7
there be a dodgy demo in my profile, but if ye wait for a day, thar'll be the pretty version up, arrr
#8
^oh god, i'm weird. Proper version up in my profile now. Thanks to everyone who's read, hope this isn't considered bumping.
#11
Dylan, I won't tell you how many times i'm told that. Unfortunately, I've yet to master the art.
#12
i liked it, i thought the vocal style fit the song pretty well (although if i hadn't read the lyrics beforehand i would have had no idea what you were saying).
Last edited by Hesh at Feb 14, 2009,
#14
Just let me point out something simple: Jesus - boring; the word "whiskey" - boring (and I am terrible for it); naming places - irritating.
There are so many great songs that sing about important, powerful things, but I'm sick of them. I'll still keep writing about them, 'cause I'm lazy, but I don't want to see them in this context, for the simple reason that I have wrote about it more times than I should of.
If you want to use analogies of something that has already been utilized before, try and incorporate them with a little more weirdness. Make me open my eyes to something new and slanted. I want to feel sick in a world of simplicity gone wrong.
There's no doubt that this has a strong character about itself - and it reflects from your voice and vocal style - but I'm tired of hearing from that guy. He's that annoying voice that you feel too safe with. Ironically enough, he doesn't let you drink...
#15
^Dan, that's the most useful thing I've ever heard from anyone. I must admit I've been writing in my safety zone for a while now, and I overuse Jesus. I feel sorry for the guhy the amount i name drop him. And I overuse whiskey far too much. I like this song because it's about a very dark patch I just went through, but I can see how it wouldn't have that meaning for people, therefor not be as powerful.
#16
This is probably the first thing I've read from you.. ever actually, but I'll admit I thought it was a pretty good piece. I thought the first stanza was pretty good but it seemed to kind of fall from there. I wish I could go more in depth but I'm kind of drunk and have a few things on my mind so I'll have to black dot this. Anyway, this "crit" probably doesn't mean anything to you but hopefully once I actually get to this I can offer more. I'll have to keep my eye open for more from you too. Angrygoldfish hit a few of the things I wanted to comment on, but yeah, despite that, I enjoyed it.