#1
aliens on stage or poster girls smiling consolingly.
it's all the same,
I still care less for my words when with them.

They write their own speeches;
penned in an elementary, unbiased style.
They don't choose who they kiss
or who's front stares longingly at them.

That insecurity stages something more,
as characters picture comfort.
The strangers ear becomes lose,
as you allow your tongue to roll.


Digitally Clean




I'm worried that this, once again, may not of said enough for the message to be clear.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Feb 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
aliens on stage or
poster boys kissing poster girls,
it's all the same, I still
dust my words less carefully
when with them.
I don't think 'dust my words' was quite what you wanted to say. Or if it was, I didn't get it.

They write their own speeches;
penned in an elementary, unbiased style.
They don't choose who they kiss
or who lays upright at their side,
it's all chosen for them.
that last line is just purely unpoetic. Add some more assonance, alliteration to this. To all of this. Now it's close to talking

That insecurity stages security:
the secret man behind the camera.
I didn't get the full stop. It was a short un-expanded point that should either progress in to the next idea or expand in itself
The strangers ear becoming lose,
along with your tongue.
possession for stranger.
Good ending.



Touchups in the middle would really bring this up, as is, I couldn't really get in to it. Something about the breaks in the first stanza made it less fluid than it should have been because of the content. Punch, dammit. Punch me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Feb 10, 2009,
#3
First stanza needs to get work on line breaks. Several lines I didn't enjoy, such as "poster boys kissing poster girls", "it's all chosen for them." and "That insecurity stages security". I also didn't get the full stop. I give you the same advice Katherine gave you. Not your strongest after that marvelous last piece of yours.