#1
Here's a little ''song'' i wrote. it's nt really a normal song. i wanted to try and make a song in the shape of a letter thats written for someone. i hope you enjoy it and any crits are welcome. C4C.


Dear michelle,

I know it's been a while since we've last had contact
but you need to know i'll always be there for you. it's been
hard for me, there's some crazy sh*t i've gone trough.

People always told us we wouldn't make it and i'm starting
to understand why, after all these tears you've shed because
i lied. I changed in many different ways, i even bet you
wouldn't recognize me. if you just could have seen this face
you'd understand this is the real me. the one who i always
wanted to be.

I'm sick off all the lies i've told but even tough i am
trying it seems i just can't change. I'm like the water, i can change i can freeze but eventually i turn back to my river.Waiting to reach to the sky while something in me knows that someday i'll fall .

I'm dying to finnaly lose this cocoon i live in,
so i can be more than a memory. more than a man who was shallow and
ignorant. I became more than a ''he can not be''.

Yours sincerely.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
Last edited by Trecion at Feb 11, 2009,
#2
it would be a great acoustic song if you can find a specific part of the letter to repeat as a chorus
#3
Quote by Trecion
Here's a little ''song'' i wrote. it's nt really a normal song. i wanted to try and make a song in the shape of a letter thats written for someone. i hope you enjoy it and any crits are welcome. C4C.


Dear michelle,

I know it's been a while since we've last had contact
but you need to know i'll always be there for you. it's been
hard for me, there's some crazy sh*t i've gone through.
This was okay. I'm not really feeling it though, I'd throw in some metaphors and imagery. Although perhaps you purposely don't want to, I don't know - just a thought.

People always told us we wouldn't make it and i'm starting
to understand why, after all these tears you've shed because
i lied. I changed in many different ways, i even bet you
wouldn't recognize me. if you just could have seen this face
you'd understand this is the real me. the one who i always
wanted to be.
Again, it's okay, but same problem. There's nothing open to interpretation, we're just being told what's going on. If you forced us to have to figure out what's happening, that's far more interesting.

I'm sick off all the lies i've told but even though i am
trying i just can't stop all the lying and you have to know
that inside i am dying. Dying to finally lose this cocoon i live in,
so i can be more than a memory. more than a man who was shallow and
ignorant. I became more than a ''he can not be''.
"trying", "lying", and "dying" was horrible. The rhyme is horrible, please change it! The last part's better, but you might want to (I know I say this too much) add some metaphors, mix things up a bit.

Yours sincerely.
The lack of a name at the end was a fantastic idea!


Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064529
Last edited by michal23 at Feb 10, 2009,
#4
Yes i must agree there could be some more interesting stuff in it however, i don't want to make it too complicated since it's still a letter. and yes you're totally right about the last part. i'll update it soon.

Thanks for the comments Terryn0 and Michal23.

Edit: i changed a bit in it. hope it works out better.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
Last edited by Trecion at Feb 11, 2009,
#5
Quote by terryn0
it would be a great acoustic song if you can find a specific part of the letter to repeat as a chorus



lol i totally agree..

nice lyrics!
Quote by King Twili
It's just me and Doris here ;_;



Quote by Zaphikh
Poops is the chat MC - but here we know him as Early Cuyler.


Free Downloads, Yo!
#6
Thank you.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#7
this could be one of those really edgy cool great sounding acoustic songs!!!!!! uve a great ability to write lyrics.well done man!!
Music...Enough said.



Merci

Such is life.....
#8
Thanks unfortunate i don't have an acoustic guitar yet so it will have to wait to become a song. ( i'm also not a great guitar player yet xD).

I appreciate all your comments. thank you very much
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#9
i made some changs in the lyrics. imo they make the lyrics better.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#10
i love it its real catchy would make a great acoustic song, its great cause it's different from what you usually see
I don't know just where I've been, who I am or what I've seen, I just know somethings happened to me, cause I've lost touch with my memory
#12
Very good. The one thing I don't understand is that you state that people said you wouldn't make it and you're apologizing for lying. And it seems like you haven't seen her for a long time. Thus, either you're not together anymore or she's always been there for you. If thats the case, you should compliment her in some small way in it. Maybe you could beg her for help changing after talking about wanting to break out of your cocoon. Just a suggestion. Very good song though. I wrote a song in the form of a letter once, but it was more of an "I freaking hate you burn in hell" emo letter.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=19416932#post19416932
#13
Thanks for your comments guys, did't think i would get anymore comments after two months :P

Soon i'll start to turn this into a song
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
Last edited by Trecion at Apr 12, 2009,