#1
Eery, peery petrified birds, boxed
and staring at me. False flight
rendered in sand, stuck. Sand
that will refuse to flow.

The haughty Robin seems
to bluster at his stuckness.
But he's not.
And he won't rot.
And the owl's stiff neck
can't tear at mouse intestines
or thrill me with its full circle workings

A shrill hoot to wake his shapely face,
Rub his orange breast for a flutter-nip.
Really, truly alive inside that box, but waiting
for grace. For the photo's stillness to outmatch their own.
A quick little freeze-frame and you wouldn't know they're stuffed.


C4C
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#2
Quote by meh!
Eery, peery petrified birds, boxed
and staring at me. False flight
rendered in sand, stuck. Sand
that will refuse to flow.
This was good, although where you positioned the breaks was a little weird. But I wouldn't change anything content-wise.

The haughty Robin seems
to bluster at his stuckness.
The use of the word "stuckness" was horrible, I didn't like it at all. I'd definitely change it, even to something like "helplessness", or something similar.
But he's not.
And he won't rot.
And the owls stiff neck
I believe it should be "owl's"?
can't tear at mouse intestines
or thrill me with its full circle workings

A shrill hoot to wake his shapely face,
Rub his orange breast for a flutter-nip.
I quite liked this, even though I didn't quite understand it
Really, truly alive inside that box, but waiting
for grace. For the photo's stillness to outmatch their own.
A quick little freeze-frame and you wouldn't know they're stuffed.
The ending was fantastic, best part by far


C4C



I only have a few suggestions, generally I really did enjoy it!

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1064529
#3
This was bloody awesome.

- "stuckness"


- Ugh. I don't like that at all. It's humorous and in some ways suits the tone of the piece, but it's just too ugly compared to the rest of the piece.

I have to admit, I've found your writing to be very difficult to read, but this was glorious. The tone was cute, sadening, funny and cryptic. Just great work.
#4
Eery, peery petrified birds, boxed
and staring at me. False flight
rendered in sand, stuck. Sand
that will refuse to flow.

First time I read through this, I was a bit confused. Upon reading it again, I liked it. Though I did't know that they used sand, hmmmm. . .
"Sand" in the 4th line feels like its there simply to not have a enjambed line.
I liked the "False flight" yum. I really really like alliteration though.


The haughty Robin seems
to bluster at his stuckness.
But he's not.
And he won't rot.
And the owl's stiff neck
can't tear at mouse intestines
or thrill me with its full circle workings

As with others, the word "stuckness" hit me. I like it. Its super akward and doesn't fit, but I think thats why I like it. I'm not sure if I understand the third line. A part of me feels like its only there so that you can have the next line. Maybe find another way to say that and still include the 4th line?

A shrill hoot to wake his shapely face,
Rub his orange breast for a flutter-nip.
Really, truly alive inside that box, but waiting
for grace. For the photo's stillness to outmatch their own.
A quick little freeze-frame and you wouldn't know they're stuffed.

"shrill hoot" struck me funny. Hoots arnt shrill. I know what your going for, but hoots just arn't shrill. I can't say I'm familer with the word "flutter-nip" but I like the way it fits in and the way it sounds. The last line made the whole poem/song/whatever make sense. Well done.
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Thanks for the crit on my piece. I enjoyed reading yours!
Take it easy
-Ryan