#1
A blanket of white clouds, as far as I can see
And my only wish is that you were here with me
Because if I died tonight,
At least we shared the sight
Of how beautiful this world could really be.

Oh to fly, to be free
To go wherever the winds may carry me
To break free from the chain
of the master's might reign
Oh what a perfect world that would be.

They say you'll always wake up, the same person, the same place
But this world is so much different waking to your smiling face
But now that you are gone
I see I've been here all along
I'm trying to recover from that fall from grace

Now the clouds have cleared and I look out my window
I can see the highways 30,000 feet below
Another slap to the face
That same awful fall from grace
as I lose a glimpse of the freedom I'll never know.


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Explanation:

I wrote this song about a girl I used to date that moved away. We were very much in love, and we used to visit each other pretty frequently for the first couple months after her move until she found a new guy living in the same city. This song was written on a short flight on my way to a job interview and we flew above cloud level. It was the first time I had ever seen a sky full of clouds from that side of it, and all I could think about was how I wish that she could share probably the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. It started as just a song about how amazing the world can be when it's not muddled by grid-like suburbia, but I quickly realized how much the situation paralleled what I was feeling for her. It compares my desire for something outside of the typical suburban life when I get out of college to my desire to be with her as they both seem like unaccomplishable goals to me at this point.

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Self-critique:

I think the song is a little scattered and the ideas don't flow together as well as I had hoped. For an initial draft done on immediate inspiration, though, I think it's headed in the right direction. Any suggestions on helping the flow of it are greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
Last edited by RockThe40oz at Feb 10, 2009,
#3
Quote by Quam Celerrime
This is nice but what I'd suggest is to not bother trying to explain or critique yourself.

Keep going.


Thanks for reading.

Since it's a work in progress, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make it better. I feel that can only be done if people see where I'm coming from (to offer better wording for what it is I'm trying to express) and see what I already feel is lacking in it (to help fix a problem I already see).
#4
People should be allowed to make their own personal interpretation of it - go read a book, some poems (in a better place than this) and try and find one which has just one single meaning behind it.

If it needs to be explained, then you are either not communicating your ideas clearly enough, or don't have the confidence skills to let the writing stand on it's own two feet.


As for the self-critique, as you have already picked out the weak points so go work on them - we can help you but we won't re-write it.
Seeing as you already got those points, what are you waiting for?
Go fix it up!