#1
"Cross Your Fingers"

It's these days and these nights
that seem to turn the water into wine, which is fine
But we drink too much, it's poison to our lungs, to our insides
So come inside
Let's tear apart this house
Tear out our lungs and scream our troubles out

You had dreams but look what that costs you
You were right to turn away from the news

It's those pills you hide
On the underside of your mattress where you lie
Your pillow, dresser drawer, car seat, you thought I'd never find
Come on inside
Let's see what you're made of
Make a scene so we know how to act out love

You had plans but look where that got you
You waited hours and she forgot you

You bought a lioness to cope with your lonliness
"If you can just break her, she will be your pet"
If you cage her, she will want to escape
Mother nature suggests she will find a mate

You train all your life to be someone that's not you
So you forget everything they ever taught you

And we all sleep soundly in our own rooms

Bridges were made to cross, you fell through
My fingers are crossed I hope you pull through
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Last edited by ColdFrontAttack at Feb 11, 2009,
#2
This is wonderful. Your emotion came through so brilliantly. My only critisism is the tense on the 7th line. Otherwise...I say excellent.
#3
Hey thanks a lot, i'll look at that line when I get home, on my phone the lines don't read the same
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#4
I kinda wanted to get a little more feedback on this, I usually don't make changes after I post but I had a couple things in mind with this one
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#5
You're always a pleasure to read. I really enjoy you're use of words. It's tight but interesting.

So come inside
Let's tear apart this house
Tear out our lungs and scream our troubles out

I thought this was kind of dull if you ask me. It doesn't really do much for me. It makes sense but it's kind of just there and doesn't hold my interest very well.

It's those pills you hide
On the underside of your mattress where you lie
Your pillow, dresser drawer, car seat, you thought I'd never find
Come on inside
Let's see what you're made of
Make a scene so we know how to act out love

i really like this section

You bought a lioness to cope with your lonliness
"If you can just break her, she will be your pet"
If you cage her, she will want to escape
Mother nature suggests she will find a mate

I like this but at the same time, I think it could be ironed out. Some of the wording was a bit awkward. It sounded overly wordy to be honest.

other sections were solid. I liked this but everyonce in a while, the effortlessness kind of disappears and it sounds forced. Hopefully this was slightly helpful haha. I know I say a whole lot of nothing a lot.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me