#1
this may be one of the most personal things I have ever posted sober. doesnt mean you shouldnt hate it.

somehow when I hear my echo when I look into the mirror

Somewhere in New York
there is singing from a bathroom;
the ghost waltzes somehow
when I lead, somehow
stops when I stop, somehow
screams when I scream

when I peek through the glass
I see her shadow, after sunset
grab at it grab at it

somehow, she moves when I play
the piano naked in the shower;
she clutches her fingers around the curtain
in time with the millions of hammers
and sings back all night screams--

I look gone again
where have we been
there in the mirror again

cold sweat on my skin
where have we been
claw marks in my chest
there in the morning again
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 12, 2009,
#5
after reading this three or four times, it sunk in, and it's an idea that I kind of sort of back of mind adore, and always sort of have. I used to fantasize there was a female ghost in my room with me when I was young. this stands, on it's own. there are three suggestions in the suggestion shoebox I would like to place on the table like wrinkled up little pieces of paper. first, nix first line with word echo in it. second, I liked this more - personally - if I didn't know 'what sex' the ghost was.. I read it as if every 'she' word and 'her' word simply weren't there, and nothing in its place especially, kind of impersonal, and it gave it this less than opaque quality that i liked better than it was. I know though that it may mean something to you for the reader to know the ghost is female, but still. and third - take out 'cold sweat on my skin/ where we have been'. this partially because the last two lines are so strong and so cool and unexpected and i feel it. i think they should be on their own, and the cold sweat line isn't that strong, but bless it if the last two lines were inspired by the cold sweat lines, because the last two lines are a perfect ending.

p.s. i appreciate in a way being told there is no reason why I shouldn't hate this . umble. zussamengehoerigkeitsgefuehl
#6
the last half of this tops the majority of things i read here.
beautiful.
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#7
Read it once, can tell I'm going to really enjoy it on further reads. I need more time on it though, which I don't have at the moment. Back later for this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
I don't know if this is a song, but it looked like and it was amazing. I don't actually understand the last lines of the second stanza, it was the only letdown; also, you end the third stanza with screams, as you do in the first... try a synonym or something. Everything else is marvelous.
#9
Your tone alone was moving, the confidence with which you laid your words down enhanced this.

somehow, she moves when I play
the piano naked in the shower;

A little rough- ending the first line in what sounds like a complete sentence, then continuing in the second line usually isn't fun to read.


Little to critique, much to praise. Done well, well done.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.