Any comments or critiques would be cool. If you want to check out the introduction to get the "vibe" it is in my profile under the same title. This song is about dark love, sensuality/sexuality (yes, when I say "came" I mean sexually; and when I saying "cumming" I also mean sexually), satanism, paganism, and has a general inspiration from Aleister Crowley and his sex crazy mind. The general concept is two lovers engaged in sex, and then the male climaxes and "death" comes (this is what I tell my girlfriend sometimes when I finished, "you killed me!!"; as strange as it sounds). That is the concept.
She came as the night against the wind
The stirring image portraying yin
As if in deaths abode she sauntered in
Her silky smooth skin was to ethereal
For me to follow hence.
The fog gently carressed her silhoutte
And so ghastly did she appear amidst her dress
As if our souls were to collide and my body be less
To embrace her stream as a sepulchre at night
To kiss my lover in the moonlight.
She swayed in the wind across my body
And so erotic did she become amidst this labrynth
Convening and corroding upon the shores of absinthe
The words she spoke into my celestial essence:
"Shall we dance as shadows upon the lanterns of snow?
With this fire illuminating the heavens
And making eternally pale shadows glow."
In the dearest sweat have you encompassed me
To taste your wine and nectar in your cumming
Upon my fastened lips with tears culminating
The sweetest release in a trickling fashion
To nearly experience death and all of its bellowing pleasure...
I came as death amidst sensational euphoria.
Her eyes were of sulfur ensuing ash
To take forth the souls through black magick amassed
The resevoir of the legions embark as the moon
Trickles below the sun-god of this celestial rouse...
This vampiric corpse shall relinquish duty
To feel once more your silent heart...
Lest, I be pierced; but afraid no more...
Well written, I really like the flow, but it's fairly creepy if you don't mind me saying so