#1
C4C I posted this song a while ago, but that version was horrible. I'm hoping this rewrite will have improved it.

[Verse 1]
Watching what we do,
watch as it takes it's toll.
We're learning nothing new
we're learning nothing at all.

We're burning all our bridges,
right down to the ash.
Our actions are only stitches,
and they will never last.

[One-Measure Bridge]
Last in line...

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

Will we learn...

[One-Measure Bridge]
before we burn...

[Verse 2]
Time is running out,
and we're all gonna die;
it's not a question of the when,
but a question of the why.

We've gotta take a stand,
we have to have a spine.
Take a look around,
and tell me what you find.

[One-Measure Bridge]
Have to find....

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

Will we learn...

[One-Measure Bridge]
before we burn...

[Goes into either eight measure bridge or 16 measure solo]

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

When will we learn...

[Outro]
When will we learn...
When will we learn...
When will we learn...
When will we learn...

When will we learn...
Last edited by herby190 at Feb 11, 2009,
#3
Time is running out,
and we're all gonna die;
it's not a question of the when,
but a question of the why.


i really liked that. to me, it had a sort of second side to it, a different meaning.
if only i had thought of it first lol.

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1066980
#5
Quote by herby190
C4C I posted this song a while ago, but that version was horrible. I'm hoping this rewrite will have improved it.

[Verse 1]
Watching what we do,
watch as it takes it's toll.
We're learning nothing new
we're learning nothing at all.
The flow was a bit off and I dislike ABAB rhyme schemes greatly... this was alright, but just no where near as imaginative, descriptive as it could be.

We're burning all our bridges,
right down to the ash.
Our actions are only stitches,
and they will never last.
Again, the rhyme scheme; it seems to restrict you from saying what you want to say, I'd drop it. For what it is, though, the song's decent so far

[One-Measure Bridge]
Last in line...

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

Will we learn...
Not too powerful, and a little bland and in your face, but could be better. I'd rewrite each line to be longer and more elaborate, metaphorical, imaginative etc. and drop the last line completely.

[One-Measure Bridge]
before we burn...

[Verse 2]
Time is running out,
and we're all gonna die;
it's not a question of the when,
but a question of the why.
This was pretty good. Cliche, but not bad. I still maintain the belief that the rhyme scheme is restricting your creativity.

We've gotta take a stand,
we have to have a spine.
Take a look around,
and tell me what you find.
First two lines were good, last two lines were poor.

[One-Measure Bridge]
Have to find....

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

Will we learn...

[One-Measure Bridge]
before we burn...

[Goes into either eight measure bridge or 16 measure solo]

[Chorus]
When will we learn!

That as we burn!

Time's running out!

When will we learn...

[Outro]
When will we learn...
When will we learn...
When will we learn...
When will we learn...

When will we learn...



Thanks for critting mine! What your main problem here is the fact that you have such a restricting rhyme scheme, you can't help but sound cliche and uncreative. I'd rewrite the idea of the song, but get rid of the rhyme scheme.
#7
Thanks michal; and punkrocker, I could swear you're just doing a copy pasta, so no on the c4c.