#1
Sucking in the rigid air
Trying to stifle my despair
Empty breaths and empty words
Mind is crippled, thoughts deterred.

Chorus:

Marching up the peak
With our eyes blinded we start to speak
Searching for the answer to the question
Indignation towards nature's mason
Screaming with excitation
Overwhelmed with realization.

Frost bitten senses and false pretenses
All abused by a shadowed conseses
Preemptive strike on a peaceful target
The suspicious god becomes lethargic


Chorus:

Marching up the peak
With our eyes blinded we start to speak
Searching for the answer to the question
Indignation towards nature's mason
Screaming with excitation
Overwhelmed with realization.


Questioning my physicality
Cannot defeat this diseased mentality
Upon hearing the lies, our demands are met
Embrace the comfort, it's all you're gonna get.

This is a complex song that I've been working on off and on for about a month, all I need to do is finish up the solo and I'm all set. It's a melodic metal and metal song.

Opinions? Critiques?

C4C
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 6, 2009,
#2
I love the rhyming scheme and choice of words. The poem seems to be well thought out and sounds really good.

Sucking in the rigid air
Trying to stifle my despair
Empty breaths and empty words
Mind is crippled, thoughts deterred.

The best stanza in my opinion
But when writing this I don't think it needs the comma because that is where the reader takes a break when reading and it doesn't sound like it needs a break there.

Marching up the peak
With our eyes blinded we start to speak
Searching for the answer to the question
Indignation towards nature's mason
Screaming with excitation
Overwhelmed with realization.

Very good I like this stanza very much

[Slower, quieter]
The masterful tongue
Defeats the masterful sword
Love for the siren's wail
(No escape)
Your thoughts are forever moored.

This is not my favorite stanza Even though you can find a bridge stanza in poems, most of them don't go from an aabbcc rhyming for the verse and then go to an irregular free-verse. But I am sure you have some good music to make it sound all right

Questioning my physicality
Cannot defeat this diseased mentality
Upon hearing the lies, our demands are met
Embrace the comfort, it's all you're gonna get.

[Semi-scream, holding out last syllable]
Just open your eyes

Very good ending
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
I like it!

"Your thoughts are forever moored."
I don't really understand this line? maybe stored?
#4
Hehe, I posted this six months ago, and somehow it ended up back on page one?

Thanks for the kind words, my friends

And moored, as a boat is moored to a dock, tied to, etc.

EDIT: I edited the poem a little bit, changed the crappy bridge part.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 6, 2009,
#5
Much Better
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
: