#1
c4c. ots. not sure what to think of this. it reminds me of my old stuff in a way. i may turn it into a song later.

and i never found out where she went
or if she was even here at all
but its good to have faith, i mean
she must still exist somewhere
in a circus, some place
selling stars, wandering around
still dreaming of ways to fly
as the world slowly drifts by

i have nothing to say to her.
last time we saw each other we could
not communicate. she kept screaming
something in this mechanical language, i
just smiled and wished her a happy birthday.
she blew off the candles (not sure if she made a
wish or if she even could) and offered each one of the guests
small slices of cake carefully cut up with
her favorite chainsaw, her own hands
and i told her "you know, I had the weirdest dream
last night: we were in some valley in California, it was
spring. we climbed the highest mountain we could find
and in the cold steel air we promised
to forgive each other for everything we've
ever done. we removed our hearts from our bodies
and cast them into the world below."

and her skin, her skin
it feels colder each time
her mouth is an icebox
gotta keep those lies fresh
and my head (ohyesyes!)
keeps trying to delete that scene
in which this golden sunset
turns into that ugly rusty moon
-again

and i think i saw her a few weeks ago
said hi;
"hey, you still have that perfect
smile on your face."
she blushed and with bees flying
out of her mouth wished me a
nice day.
Last edited by cubs at Feb 16, 2009,
#2
Quote by cubs
c4c. ots. not sure what to think of this. it reminds me of my old stuff in a way. i may turn it into a song later.

and i never found out where she went
or if she was even here at all As far as introductions go, this was pretty weak. Cliched, heard it before.
but its good to have faith, i mean
she must still exist somewhere
in a circus, some place
selling stars, wandering around
still dreaming of ways to fly
as the world slowly drifts by
or something like that Don't like this line at all

i have nothing to say to her.
last time we saw each other we could
not communicate. Again, that is quite a terrible line she kept screaming
something in this mechanical language, i
just smiled and wished her a happy birthday.
she blew off the candles (not sure if she made a
wish or if she even could) Don't like, or see the point of, this aside. It really broke up the flowand offered each one of the guests
small slices of cake carefully cut up with
her favorite chainsaw, her own hands
and i told her "you know, I had the weirdest dream
last night: we were in some valley in California, it was
spring. we climbed the highest mountain we could find
and in the cold steel air we promised
to forgive each other for everything we've
ever done. we removed our hearts from our bodies
and cast them into the world below."

and her skin, her skin
it feels colder each time
her mouth is an icebox
gotta keep those lies fresh
and my head (ohyesyes!)
keeps trying to delete that scene
in which this golden sunset
turns into that ugly rusty moon
-again
The first really good stanza so far. Very good, this might save this piece.

and i think i saw her a few weeks ago
said hi to her; I feel like "to her" shouldn't be here. After all, you've already said "her" not the long before.
"hey, you still have that perfect
smile on your face."
she blushed and with bees flying
out of her mouth wished me a
nice day.


Not bad, not fantastic. I've definitely read much better from you, but I've read worse too. SOrry for being overly harsh, but I'm trying to be helpful. Hopefully I have been.
#5
congratulations! I don't recall seeing this piece earlier, I must have missed it, but very nice.
Well deserved.
#6
what the hell? lol, no one commented on this before. i seriously wasn't expecting this. thanks everyone

@kyle: i did some minor editing based on what you said
Last edited by cubs at Feb 16, 2009,