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#1
ok im gonna give a girl a valentines day card, so i just wanted to see what the pit thinks of my poem. (this aint a song.)

I believe that i have never seen, a girl whose beauty was just like a dream
whose hair shines in the light, just like the sweetest night.
as cheery and happy as can be, and always brings joy to me.
your eyes and smile fill the room, and has held my heart in full bloom
ive never opened up like this before but this time i know for sure.
ive always kept my guard, yet now seems the perfect time
to see if you want to be, closer in my company.
i hope you get this quick and soon, may cupid's arrow shine upon you.

discuss.
SATCH FTW!!!
NSW Group FTW!

There's nothing incredibly interesting here.
#4
?? why!?

edit: then again, an internet forum can be the most hateful thing alive, especially the pit.
SATCH FTW!!!
NSW Group FTW!

There's nothing incredibly interesting here.
Last edited by ozy!d!ot at Feb 12, 2009,
#6
well,

in general, i would say its a good poem.

on the other hand.

why would you give it to someone.. just screw there brains out or something.

seriously, unless they girl is a poof or a poet herself, i doubt she would give a flying f**k
*Enter Sig Here*
#7
Erm....im sure its loverly and stuff, but A) This Is The Pit. and B) Anything that is musy like this normally looks alot cheesier and crap to anyone that it isnt intended for.
#8
thanks to the 04er could i have a girls opinion on this? cause every metal head that passes will just shoot this down.
SATCH FTW!!!
NSW Group FTW!

There's nothing incredibly interesting here.
#10
poem sucks

half of it doesnt even rhyme
the other half is lolfag
MY DESIGN/PHOTOGRAPHY TUMBLR
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#14
Well it is a bit gay....


Why not go with the old classic?

Roses are Red, Violets are blue
Suck my dick before I fucking kill you
RULE BRITANNIA
#16
Quote by Cobain_Is_King
Well it is a bit gay....


Why not go with the old classic?

Roses are Red, Violets are blue
Suck my dick before I fucking kill you


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No really.. Lawl

#17
Ok, according to the forum rules, you should take this to the "Songwriting and Lyrics" forum, but I'm going to advise you not to, because this is cliched bullshit and they will tear it apart.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#18
such uneeded effort...
i could see you saying this on a pedestal with like a prepubescent voice

why not just give her the ol dick in a box

edit:BTW manas for nubs. its all about death runes
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Last edited by MODESTme at Feb 12, 2009,
#20
It was too cheesy. She'll act like she loves it, but when it comes time for sexy time, she'll puss out.
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#21
Quote by MODESTme
such uneeded effort...
i could see you saying this on a pedestal with like a prepubescent voice

why not just give her the ol dick in a box

edit:BTW manas for nubs. its all about death runes



Quote by boomboosh
What the f**k is you problems?
Yes, I made an account to ask this question. Is it really that weird? No. I wanted some feedback from some proper guitar experts who knew what they were talking about. Sorry, I guess I was wrong.
#22


I fully encourage the use of Depression Dog on UG.
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#23
Beware kid.. your in the Pit now !!
Quote by boomboosh
What the f**k is you problems?
Yes, I made an account to ask this question. Is it really that weird? No. I wanted some feedback from some proper guitar experts who knew what they were talking about. Sorry, I guess I was wrong.
#24
Well...at least you didn't call her by name.
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

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wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#25
Quote by TunaFish
poems: fail


I disagree; However in this case you are correct.

The metre was off, the rhymes were a bit forced, and the subject was cliche. Not to sound like a dink, but I didn't enjoy it very much. At all actually.

There are both more direct and more roundabout ways of saying things, you hit the middle. The " I don't know where the hell I'm going with this" area.

Work at it, fix it, un-cliche it, make it better. Read some poetry, imitate - do not copy- the metre and style of other poets. If you need more guidance, PM me.
But for the love of God, don't give these guys something to destroy so readily as you did.
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I suggest nicola teslas powered radiation death ray mounted on an orange, top secret, neo-nazi flying swastika

What?
#26
Quote by Judas Acolyte
I disagree; However in this case you are correct.

The metre was off, the rhymes were a bit forced, and the subject was cliche. Not to sound like a dink, but I didn't enjoy it very much. At all actually.

There are both more direct and more roundabout ways of saying things, you hit the middle. The " I don't know where the hell I'm going with this" area.

Work at it, fix it, un-cliche it, make it better. Read some poetry, imitate - do not copy- the metre and style of other poets. If you need more guidance, PM me.
But for the love of God, don't give these guys something to destroy so readily as you did.


lol, he's using poemy words to make you look like a fool.

Good job, Judas.
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#27
Go away love poem.

You are a love poem.

Your'e in the pit.

What are you doing?

You don't even fit.
D-U-F-R-A-I-S


Quote by darkstar2466
WRONG.

The only reason it exists is because drugs get people fucked up, and people love getting fucked up.

#28
Lame.

Write her a rap song, that's what people like nowadays.

*Beatboxing*
Check it out bitch, I got an itch
For sexy girls and bling
Me and my niggers, not any wiggers
Gonna' do a lot of drugs and crime.

She'll love it.
"Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care"

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#29
Quote by brandon369852
lol, he's using poemy words to make you look like a fool.

Good job, Judas.


I could have been much worse.

"I don't very much enjoy your mixing of Dactyls and Iams. Perhaps you could better define your couplets so that we understand what is going on; break it into quatrains, perhaps. If that doesn't work, just copy a bit from Chaucer or Coleridge, she'll never know."

Fortunately, I didn't feel like being that guy.
Quote by Haedadru
I suggest nicola teslas powered radiation death ray mounted on an orange, top secret, neo-nazi flying swastika

What?
#31
Quote by Judas Acolyte
I could have been much worse.

"I don't very much enjoy your mixing of Dactyls and Iams. Perhaps you could better define your couplets so that we understand what is going on; break it into quatrains, perhaps. If that doesn't work, just copy a bit from Chaucer or Coleridge, she'll never know."

Fortunately, I didn't feel like being that guy.


I kind of wish you had felt like it.
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

Quote by Bubbles516
wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#32
Quote by Judas Acolyte
I could have been much worse.

"I don't very much enjoy your mixing of Dactyls and Iams. Perhaps you could better define your couplets so that we understand what is going on; break it into quatrains, perhaps. If that doesn't work, just copy a bit from Chaucer or Coleridge, she'll never know."

Fortunately, I didn't feel like being that guy.



That's just because no one reads Chaucer or Coleridge.

Funny.
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#33
I think it's very endearing, TS.

Edit: ^ I read Chaucer this morning...
E-married to ilikepirates

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>¦<
¦
#34
Quote by Spoony_Bard

Edit: ^ I read Chaucer this morning...


Okay, no one should read Chaucer.

olol, jk
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#35
Quote by brandon369852
That's just because no one reads Chaucer or Coleridge.

Funny.

Middle English fart jokes turn me ON


With that being said, I would say rework it. It's somewhat cliche, as has been pointed out, and the rhyming sounds really forced, and then in turn the parts where you don't rhyme seem out of place. Play with language, don't worry about rhyme (or be damn sure that it's natural rhyming), and write something a bit more personal. Think of a scene or an event you two have shared, I'd say, rather than general feelings.

Keep trying!
DOWN&OUT
#36
Quote by brandon369852
Okay, no one should read Chaucer.

olol, jk

No, I agree. I didn't enjoy it.
E-married to ilikepirates

Quote by bloodtrocuted93

How are you so fucking awesome at music?


>¦<
¦
#37
Quote by ozy!d!ot
ok im gonna give a girl a valentines day card, so i just wanted to see what the pit thinks of my poem. (this aint a song.)

I believe that i have never seen, a girl whose beauty was just like a dream
whose hair shines in the light, just like the sweetest night.
as cheery and happy as can be, and always brings joy to me.
your eyes and smile fill the room, and has held my heart in full bloom
ive never opened up like this before but this time i know for sure.
ive always kept my guard, yet now seems the perfect time
to see if you want to be, closer in my company.
i hope you get this quick and soon, may cupid's arrow shine upon you.

discuss.



.....


haha


She'll love it

I decided to not go for poems chocolate and flowers. Instead I done a collage of us, put it in a picture frame, bought her favourite DKNY perfume and got her a card just saying ' I love you'.


You on the other hand...well...you didn't put effort into that. Sorry, but you didn't.
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#38
's alright... Technically sub-standard but if it's from the heart, that's nice. I'd try reading it in a German accent dressed as Hitler, that'd lighten it up slightly and dressing up is ALWAYS fun.
Psycho Killer,
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#39
Quote by Spoony_Bard
No, I agree. I didn't enjoy it.


There's just so much more interesting stuff than Chaucer in the period...He's lauded by academics for being 'oh so self aware', but he actually manages to take entertaining texts and rob them of all their narrative motion in the name of erudition and trying to be a Roman... (compare 'The Man of Law's Tale' with 'Emaré').

Rant over...on topic, I think how she takes this poem is entirely dependent on how much contact she's had with poetry and how much she likes you already...chances are if she's into her poetry and is undecided about you this won't help. If you two are already in the 'oh god I can't live without you, when you're with me I can't see for the rose petals which fall from the ceiling in an oh so romantic manner' stage, then this'll go down just fine, and you can walk the sugar frosted pink road to a messy breakup.

Well, maybe not the last bit, I'm just bitter
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#40
I'm sorry kid but this isn't kindergarten class
Hell even there that probably woulnd't pass
Sorry for being a bit of a jackass
But put in some effort, a bit of your heart
Better things come out of my ass when I fart
Erase it all and begin from the start
Drop the cliches and give us some art
Or ask me to write one for you
Because writing poems is what I do
Give me a picture and her name
and I'll rewrite your poem that won't be lame!

BAM!
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