#1
Acoustic thing i made

My life, my love, like summers past,
I long to breathe you in at last.
My lover walks, this souls been breached,
Spent days wide open,
My arms outreached.

I need you now,
While the sun still sleeps.
I need you now,
But im just a creep.

Without you im empty,
A hallowed hull,
A soulless vessel,
Awaiting the tides pull.

As we lay hand in hand,
I repent and i sigh.
With love like the sun,
Embracing the sky.
Time withers away,
We ask ourselves why.

But i need you now,
While the sun still sleeps,
I need you now,
But im just a creep.

Youll cry till you sleep,
I wont sleep at all.
Let it bring release,
After the Fall.

So ill dream, my mind wanders,
From love to love lost.
The view of my memories,
Fogs over with the Frost.

But our love does rekindle,
In our summer skin,
With your forgiving eyes,
With your healing grin.

Our seasonal love,
Now finally clear.
Uninterupted at last,
Seasons bring a new year.
Last edited by BMTHTaylor at Feb 13, 2009,
#2
I need you now,
While the sun still sleeps.
I need you now,
But im just a creep.

Last line doesnt flow at all.


honestly its pretty cliche dude. iv heard this a thousand times..... try without a rhyming scheme see where it gets you. alot of your rhymes seemed forced. it had some good points though keep trying man!

C4C?
want to play in sig plz.
#6
I thought this was decent, I didnt really see anything wrong with it, besides the forced rhymes, but I would honestly re write it this verse stands out though, except the last line

As we lay hand in hand,
I repent and i sigh.
With love like the sun,
Embracing the sky.
Time withers away,
We ask ourselves why.

over all good job, if you dont mind criting my song Untitled OTS in my sig I would appericate it