#1
Here's another song i wrote. it's in a kinda Papa Roach kind of rock sound, i hope you like it. if you have any comments please let me know. C4C


Dark clouds

I'm dreaming of dreams
where i am in a better place
somewhere on this planet
where i can meet you face to face

these pleople always surround me
i can not be left alone
if it wasn't for my guardians
i'd be long gone from home

There's a dark cloud floating towards me
and i'm trying to flee
this constant wave of attention
is suffocating me

I'm running
(i'm running)
and i'm trying to follow yor trace
but as it is me i'm looking for
it's neck on neck race

I feel i'm getting closer
but i'm yet so far away
if it wasn't for my guardians
i'd be completely changed

There's a dark cloud floating towards me
and i'm trying to flee
this constant wave of attention
is suffocating me

there's a white light
it's getting brighter
I feel my presence near
it's time for my redemption
to become myself
i'm ready to become what i believe

Those dark cloads
they were chased by the sun
it's no longer up to my guardians
to decide what i'll become
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#3
your writing talents have become blocked by these cheesy, often cliched rhymes.

remember, that rhymes are just one weapon in your arsenal of flow - remember assonance, alliteration and all that.

i think you should try writing without rhyme, just practice.
also maybe in a free-r structure?

whatever, cant really help on this piece.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 13, 2009,
#4
Thanks guys. i dunno why but i always fall back in to a rhyme. i'll try to write something without rhyme soon.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#5
Hey dude.

Just to let ya know, I suffer from the same problem. Sticking to rhymes and structured verses...

But hey, what's so bad with that? Please don't try to create something that is deliberatly not 'main-stream' for the sake of it.

Decide on your goals before you make any rash decisions

Flow is soooooo important, but if you want to imagine your song being being played on a radio somewhere, then sticking to a song structure like this is no bad thing.

As a very very very frequent music listerner, I can honestly say that an entire song without rhymes is simply not as appealing as one with.

Nothing is worse than forced writing, and if you're ideas come from rhymes, then let 'em flow my friend!
#6
oke thanks dude, you've got a point.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#8
Thanks dude,
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#9
It's solid songwriting technique, but a lot of this is uninspired and ambigious tosh, in my opinion.

You're dragged into cliche and just dull, unoriginal ideas rather a lot, and the rhyme's and flow were uninventive and gripped me like a pair of greasy palms.

Work on it though. You have a solid underlying structure. The content just needs work, and that comes with (a lot) of time. For now, this was uninspiring.

Keep at it, broseph.
#10
Ok thanks. it's definetely not done yet. i'll keep on working on it.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#11
I think it's well-written and well-structured. It just lacks innovation, which isn't allways a bad thing. It just all depends on what you were aiming at.
#12
Hehe thanks. it seems that it's a matter of taste for most people. altough i'll try and se eif i can make it more interesting with some word play.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#13
Quote by Trecion
Here's another song i wrote. it's in a kinda Papa Roach kind of rock sound, i hope you like it. if you have any comments please let me know. C4C


Dark clouds

I'm dreaming of dreams
where i am in a better place
somewhere on this planet
where i can meet you face to face

good opening, nothings wrong with this verse

these people always surround me
i can not be left alone
if it wasn't for my guardians
i'd be long gone from home

This stanza is decent, I dont really see why you are talkin about your guardians though, isn't this about your love?

There's a dark cloud floating towards me
and i'm trying to flee
this constant wave of attention
is suffocating me

I dont like the last line, but I know its the way I read it, but try it is suffocating me

I'm running
(i'm running)
and i'm trying to follow yor trace
but as it is me i'm looking for
it's neck on neck race

the 3rd line is a little confusing, but as it is me i'm looking for, try dropping the but as line

I feel i'm getting closer
but i'm yet so far away
if it wasn't for my guardians
i'd be completely changed

There's a dark cloud floating towards me
and i'm trying to flee
this constant wave of attention
is suffocating me

there's a white light
it's getting brighter
I feel my presence near
it's time for my redemption
to become myself
i'm ready to become what i believe

I really liked this I think this is my favorite stanza

Those dark cloads
they were chased by the sun
it's no longer up to my guardians
to decide what i'll become

After reading this, I have no idea what the rest of your song is about, isnt it about your guardians keeping you safe and protected, but the first verse is talking about a lover isnt it



if you dont mind criting Untitled OTS in my sig I would appreciate it
#14
The song is about the duality in yourself. You're trying to be what everyone expects you to be but at the same time you know that it isn't who you really are. It's about the path you take to become an individual. The first stanza is about how it begins. You start to become and individual but as you're trying to change into the real you, you're wondering if this is for the best. (the neck on neck race).

The part about the guardians is because that every parent/guardian or whatever you'd like to call it, want's you to stay as you are. they don't want to lose you.

''and i'm trying to follow yor trace'' = still about finding yourself. you've found your true identity but it takes time to change.

I hope this clears it up a bit.

And thanks for your comment. on my way to comment yours
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7